The Look Man Report - Week 16: Look Man Wins $300M Powerball;To Donate All to Charity

Well, maybe that headline didn't happen, but in a similarly unlikely fashion, the Hapless Bungals did win at home for the first time all year. In the late game, the Browns came back with 2:18 to play and zero timeouts to beat the Baltimore Dumpster Ducks, 14-13. Losses by the Chowds and Donkeys also made for a suspensful finale to the 2002 NFL season that has Commissioner Paul Tagliaball smiling like some sort of sports Grinch. After careful reflection of these early Christmas gifts, the Look Man must say, "Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus…"

With 3 NFL football games on Saturday, and key games on both Sunday and Monday, we are definitely in the bonus round. The NFC playoff picture was brought into focus in the most unusual fashion: the Ugly & Black win dealt serious damage to the potentially playoff-bound New Orleans Religious Icons with a rare home victory. The Icons played against their logotype and failed to "be prepared" for the Toothless Tigers. RB Nick (Susan) Luchey did his best Ickey Woods impression as Corky Dildo was injured yet again in a late game situation. Luchey punched in the winning score after a missed PAT left the Bungals poised for another late game giveaway.

You had to feel like the Bungals chances of winning were similar to the chances of Santa canceling Christmas. Both teams handled the football like a greased Christmas goose, with 10 total turnovers. Yet, the Toothless Tigers pulled it off as Icons QB Aaron Brooks (Brothers) refused to get his suit dirty by running the football. As a result, he took 4 sacks and overthrew several receivers when he could have gained more rushing yards himself. If you tack on his 3 non-contact fumbles, Brooks Brothers finished poorly, including his final 0-4 passing stats at crunch time, down 7 points. The Look Man will now refer to him as the Staff of Moses, based on his unwillingness to run. The Icons must now win next week and pray for Giants and ATL losses, or spend another Christmas on the Island of Misfit Toys

The postgame Icons locker room featured some language not often heard among Boy Scouts. "It's embarrassing,'' receiver Joe Horn said. "Everybody in the nation and their mamas knows that. We shouldn't be in this situation. We're making all these teams out of the playoffs feel good about their offseason.'' Indeed, the Icons were beaten by a guy whose name was mispronounced by the home field announcer (It’s Loo-chee’, not Loo-shay’). Luchey, who played as Nick Williams last season, hadn't carried the ball all season, yet ran eight times for 52 yards and caught one pass on the winning drive. He bulled over several Icons players on his 2 TD runs and added insult to injury by doing the Ickey Shuffle following his game winning score.

"That was my shout-out to Ickey,'' he said. "I wear his jersey number, and he's a friend of mine. I respect what he and (Tim) Krumrie and Boomer (Esiason) and guys like that did for this franchise 10 to 12 years ago. We might be that good in another 10-12 years, once we get Arnold Palmer from USC. '' When reminded that the USC QB is named Carson Palmer, Luchey simply began doing the Ickey Shuffle again, while humming the Tonight Show theme song.

In the late game, the Browns version 2.1 played the Browns version 2.0 in the nation’s sexually transmitted disease capitol, Baltimore MD. The Dumpster Ducks dominated the Browns for 3.9 quarters, and in typical fashion, the New Kardiac Kids on the Block came roaring back for a 14-13 win.

Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch is yet again on the verge of earning his real name back, as he upholstered a 92-yard drive with 2:18 to play and zero timeouts. In fact, the Look Man may have to start calling him "Batman", with Jamel White as the Robin, the Boy Wonder. White put on a show on a key 28-yard catch and run, then induced Ducks DB Chris McAllister into a 15-yard roughness call. Meanwhile, Batman went back to the shotgun and carved the Ducks up for a TD with 29 seconds remaining to ice the game. Ducks QB Jeff (Shake N) Blake threw a long INT in garbage time, allowing the Browns to practice their rarely used kneel down to finish the contest.

The effort did not go unnoticed by Browns Coach Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis. "That’s Tim’s 10th come from behind victory in the fourth quarter," Davis said. "He showed incredible poise and ability on the drive. Tim Couch goes 92 yards with no timeouts. He deserves a lot of credit for that. And he didn’t even reveal his secret true identity as millionaire Bruce Wayne. Dohhh!"

While Hurricane Boy was impressed, the Look Man is still ticked about some spilled milk from last week. The Jersey Jynts punished the India-No-Place Ponies in Indy, 44-27, and exposed the Ponies as pretenders. The play of the day was Jynts TE Jeremy Shockey (the World) bowling over Ponies (supposedly) SS David Gibson, en route to a 24 yard catch-and-run. Gibson was later beaten badly on an 82-yard flea flicker to start the 3^rd quarter. If Kerry (Tom) Collins can beat the Colts by 17 in the Dome, why can’t Sofa Boy get it done in CLE?

Cleveland kept its playoff hopes alive, and can garner a wild card with a win and a combination of AFC losses. The most likely scenario would be a victory over the ATL Dirty Birds next week in C-town, an Oakland victory over Kansas City next Saturday, and a Miami victory over New England on Sunday. The Dirty Birds will know their playoff fate based on Saturday’s Jynts outcome, and may rest an already nicked up roster to prepare for the playoffs in 2 weeks.

Ironically, the Brownies were rooting for the Tampa Cannonballs and Dumpster Ducks to dump the Stillers prior to the Stillers 17-7 pasting of the Cannonballs on Monday night. Warren Sapp and the ‘Balls demonstrated that they are simply playground bullies, who retreat when punched in the nose. Their lack of speed at safety was exposed by Tommy (That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox and the Stillers in the first half. Their lack of class was exposed by Sapp’s attempt to kneecap TDDABK in the second half. Blitzburgh’s O-line returned the favor to Warren late in the game with a high-low block that renders Warren questionable for the season finale. The Zebras looked the other way while the O-linemen played doctor and almost put Sapp in the hospital.

Speaking of cheap shots, does anyone else out there think that Grayders LB Bill (Juice) Romanowski is the dirtiest player in the league? He seems to be impervious to NFL fines despite his late hits and limb twisting. That was no dog tripping up Brian (Beer Batter) Griese, knocking him from the game. When asked if he was trying to put Beer Batter out of the game, Juice replied that he was simply "trying to put a hat on him. It’s like a couple of years ago with the JJ Stokes spitting incident. I didn’t spit on him, I just have a juicy mouth. " I guess the fact that the "hat" was on Batter’s patella is circumstantial. The league seems to give this guy a pass, though he has injured Shannon Sharpe, Beer Batter and applied several late hits to RBs around the AFC West.

Faders QB Rich (Loose) Gannon continued his MVP push with a nice run to the endzone around Donkey defenders. The real question is whether Loose deserves the honor, or if the superior talent should weigh into sending the award somewhere else (Thumbtacks’ QB Steve Air McNair is doing the same thing with less talent)? An apparently healthy RB Charlie (Jim) Garner went Rockford Files with speed runs and receptions. Zack (Davey) Crockett and Ty (Buck) Wheatley’s power running sent a message to upcoming opponents.

To beat the Donkeys on Sunday, the Raiders employed an unusual defensive alignment employing three safeties and two cornerbacks against Ed (Col. Mustard) McCaffrey, Rod (Serling) Smith and Ashley (Boy Named Sue) Lelie. The Grayders players called it, "Big Nickel." Mike (the Rat) Shanahan countered with an aptly named 3-3-5 alignment called "Penny", as in, "not worth a". The package benched questionable Pro Bowl CB Deltha (Little Shaq) O’Neal, and matched smallish Donkey LBs against the mammoth Grayders O-lineman. Pure genius, Rat.

"They used that Penny package against Indy," said Grayders RT Lincoln Kennedy. "We knew they were going to have a change up from the first game that we played. I think they were expecting for us to pass the ball more. We used our 10-10-220 offense, where we eat the clock at 7 cents a minute. So our Big Nickel and their Penny left them a penny short, and pound for pound foolish."

In other notable games, the Vikes use South African K Gary Andersen to nail a 53-yarder over the Miami Marine Mammals 20-17 in the Twin Cities. Since Andersen has to be removed from a cryogenic freeze for each kick, calling a time out to "ice" him does not work. The South African is expected to be kicking well into the 2025 season.

The Jersey Aeronauticals exposed Chowds QB Tom Brady on Sunday night on ESPN. Aeronauticals QB (Hanging) Chad Pennington is kicking some righteous butt, with help from speedy WRs Lavernaues Coles and Santana (not Randy) Moss. Jersey is once again proving that speed kills, but they may be peaking too late, as they need serious help to get into the postseason.

The Cowpokes are on the verge of firing Dave (Papa Smurf) Campo after a season on the brink. ‘Pokes owner Michael Jackson has already interviewed Bill (The Tuna) Parcells, but faces league backlash for not interviewing minority candidates. "We want tunas that taste good, not tunas with good taste. Liz Taylor said she couldn’t take the job, and she is a minority. It’s so confusing. Tito help me!" said Jackson. The Look Man looks for this hire to blow up since the Tuna postpones his Hall of Fame induction with each new foray into coaching. The Tuna is simply unhappy with the format of the ESPN NFL pre-game show, where he must put up with the banal banter of Steve Young and Sterling Sharpe each Sunday.

In a similar debacle, the Grayders failed in a bid to shore up their defensive backfield by hiring CB Deion (Prime Time) Sanders from CBS. The Bolts, Chefs, Stillers and Chowds all blocked the move by claiming Prime Time off the waiver wire. The Grayders must now look at cryogenic alternatives, including Mike Haynes and Lester Hayes. Television execs are now seriously worrying that all of their on-air talent will leave to start their own league called the OFL: the Over-Forty League.

So Michael (Slick) Vick and the Dirty Birds will appear in DVD (Duckett-Vick-Dunn) format next week in C-town. Can the Browns D spy Slick Vick? Will Duckett punish the Browns D-line for not drafting him over William (the Exorcist) Green? Will concussed FB Bob (Sister) Christian be active? These and other answers in next week’s episode: Same Browns time, same Browns channel.

Bungals @ Bills: the Carson Palmer sweepstakes heats up but the Toothless Tigers really can’t win their way out of this; Detroit already has a QB, and Pickna has picked it up a notch while still keeping the oven warm for turnovers. A bigger question: will Ugly & Black Owner Mikey Boy Brown hire a hair stylist?

STD-more @ Blitzburgh: No longer a marquee game since the Stillers have clinched the AFC North. Of course, they could be flat after a physical game vs. the Cannonballs, but a bigger question is can the Dumpster Ducks run on the Blitzburgh D?

Marine Mammals at Chowds: Is it just The Look Man, or is something amiss with Brady Bunch’s right arm? Even so, the Marine Mammals must take their show on the road in the cold and snow of the Blade. The Fish would love to dreidel their way to a December victory and the Browns’ playoff hopes hang in the balance.

Chefs @ Grayders: I still like the Grayders in the AFC although the TN Thumbtacks are peaking. Unfortunatly, the Grayders have 2 guys with broken legs, against a Chefs squad that baked up a victory without RB Priest Holmes last week. Again, tremendous playoff impact for the Brownies.

Out.