The Look Man Report - Week 19: Cowher KO’d by "Kick Me" Caper

With the Wild Card Playoffs having resulted in a split of blowouts and nail biters, NFL fans went into the Divisional Playoff round with high hopes for great games. The matchups of old AFC Central rivals Pittsburgh and Tennessee, Frisco at Tampa, Atlanta at Philly, Jets at Raiders promised to be interesting. We’re talking defense vs. offense, young guns vs. cagey vets, and the running QB vs. running QB here. What could be finer?

Here are The Look Man’s pre-game notes (italics), followed by "the rest…of the story."

Well, this would have come true except for the fact that Eddie George decided to put the rock on the ground twice after going up 14-0. Eddie went so far as to take a nap on the second fumble after an earhole shot by Kimo (Col. Klink) Von OehlhoffenDT Casey Hampton. The Look Man believes that Eddie is on a steep decline which will result in his career being over in about 2 years. One more concush, and you can stick a fork in the Upright One.

Despite the fact that Chuck Noll gets only one birthday per year, the Stillers came roaring back after getting new life from Eddie. The difference on this day was that Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox was merely human, and missed several easy hookups. Of course some of this was caused by rookie DT (Fat) Albert Haynesworth busting up the middle in TDDABK’s face, as well as vicious shots by Thumbtacks DBs on Hines 57 Ward and Plexiglas Burress. Stillers WRs had 4 dropped passes even when TDDABK wasn’t throwing it behind them, so the post-Cleveland "tenderization factor" was in full effect.

Just when we thought we had seen it all, suddenly the NFL comes with a new wrinkle. After last week’s stunning revelation that the referees blew a call in the Jynts-Niners fiasco, the Zebras participate in another imbroglio, this time with the Pittsburgh-Tennessee game. Not only did Referee Ron (The) Blum (is Off the Rose) not know which plays were subject to review, his crew failed to allow the Stillers a timeout in OT following a questionable running into the kicker call against K Joe Nedney. The resultant Stiller loss lead to a "Blum rush" by Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher. The sight was enough raise eyebrows in the league office prior to a half-hearted apology from Iron Chin.

In reality, the game should never have come down to OT in the first place. The Flaming Thumbtacks dominated the time of possession and the game until Zebra of the Week winner Ron Blum’s crew took over. The unsportsmanlike roughing call on Fat Albert against Famous Amos Zereoue was just one of many questionable calls down the stretch run. As a result, the Stillers thought this was a replay of the favors received vs. Cleveland the week before, and punched in a TD and game-tying 2 point conversion, the latter on a nifty option play using multiple QBs.

By the time the crazy timeout and penalty filled OT occurred, it is little wonder that the all-star officiating crew was confused. Of course the final timeout call was made by Stillers LB Jason Gildon, who seems to have been in the Witness Protection Program; no wonder the official didn’t see the signal, he was trying to figure out who Gildon was (he’s back, and now he’s black! Jason Gildon stars in "Jason XI: Death by Thumbtack"). At any rate, Dwayne (Wayne) Washington clearly ran into Nedney and dammit, if they are going to call Dwayne Rudd for throwing his helmet after the game is over, they have to call that one! After all, in Browns vs. the Board of Education, the Supreme Court ruled all Dwaynes must be treated equally under the law. Or something like that.

Of course the league promptly came out in defense of the Blumster & Crew. One senior official stated, on the condition of anonymity, that morale among NFL refs is the lowest in its history. The Look Man states that his long-time complaints about officiating are only now trickling down to the average fan. This crisis has been potboiling for years, with younger officials kicking the veterans to the curb. One has only to look back as far as--- here we go again---- the Browns-Jags bottle throwing game last season to see that the league must tighten up its officiating situation before permanent damage is done.

Meanwhile, Iron Chin is still looking for his first Super Bowl win in Pittsburgh. As a disciple of Schottenheimer, the Look Man predicts he will be looking for quite awhile. Too long for many Burghers’ tastes. He will soon follow Bettis and Kordell on the Yellow Brick Road out of Blitzburgh.

Speed kills and the Niners are going against a very fast and physical D; having said that, Gruden was exposed by da Burg on MNF as being soft vs. the deep ball. Cover 2 ain’t working because Lynch and Jackson are slow at S. Shored up in the second half with LB drops, but TE and RB could have a field day.

While the injury to Niners CB Ahmed Plummer really hurt, the great coaching by Mariucci really came through in this game didn’t it? What the hell is he doing taking timeouts into the half? I guess he figured with QB Jeff (Jerry) Garcia doing a Pickna impression, he wanted it over as soon as possible. The sooner the game ended, the sooner the Niners braintrust could cough up his $1 million for next year on top of his ESPN NFL Countdown salary for talking to Steve Young and Tom Jackson. The Look Man kept wondering during the game, "Why didn’t they go vertical and then run the draw?" I guess because "TO" doesn’t stand for Terrell Owens, it stands for "turnover." Later, Owens has the cojones to stand around talking and laughing with Warren Sapp during an injury timeout. What a head case.

Once the Cannonballs D gets up 14 points or more, it gets real dangerous for the offense. The Look Man still believes they are overrated and still can’t beat the Iggles in Philly with the temperature > less than 34F. If the Niners LB can open up Brad (Johansen) Johnson’s forehead like a can o’ peas, what do you think the Iggles are gonna do? They might have to remove him from the field in pieces on Sunday.

Meanwhile Jon (Chucky) Gruden already dogged Mooch out; let’s see what he can do to another Bill Walsh protégé, Andy (The Walrus) Reid, AKA Coach of the Year. More importantly, I don’t see the league allowing 1 small market town in the Big Show, let alone 2. Bah-byee Cannonballs and Thumbtacks. Thanks for coming. Here’s a version of the home game for your trouble.

Birds @ Philly

Look out for Jack B! McNabbsty is back, but may still be rusty.

Well, Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick struggled, and when he did get close, he got drilled on the goal line for nothing, due to a holding call on his center. He was never the same after that wicked shot. For those of you who think that call was bad, it wasn’t. O-guard Travis Claridge tackled his man, allowing Jack B to get through for a 20 yard TD which would have tied the game at 13. Claridge must have been watching the Steelers game vs. Cleveland, because his hold was a technique where you go low, grab the DT around the thigh/waist, and hope the other linemen obscure the umpire’s view. Unfortunately, it didn’t work because of the formation and the gaping hole created by the hold. Of course, the Stillers did the same thing about 20 times against the Browns and Thumbtacks without 1 call.

McNabbsty showed the needle is more powerful than the knife, by coming back with no surgery on his bum ankle, and ripping off a key 19-yard run from his own goal line. He showed some stiffness in 2^nd half, but by then, the defense had whacked Jack B and the Dirty Birds around to the point of fatigue. Of particular note was the deep, skinny post pass to Iggles WR James (Take Out the Papers and the) Thrash, who turned it into a big TD, stealing the momentum in the balance.

In a matchup of the hottest teams other than the Flaming Thumbtacks, Jersey and Oaktown threw down. Both teams had REAL scoring potential as opposed to Tennessee, which does it with smoke and McNairs. The game was tied at 10 at the half, with the Grayders DBs punishing the Aeronauticals receivers. Wayne (Raspberry) Chrebet is still on queer street and the (Little) Anthony Dorsett hit on TE Anthony Becht was a thing of beauty. Of course, Little Anthony can look for a letter from the league inviting him to the Commissioners Ball in exchange for a piece of his salary.

The battle between (hanging) Chad Pennington vs. MVP Rich (Loose) Gannon was a mismatch. Grayders linemen were blasting hanging Chad while his receivers took a beating on the other end. Grayders Coach Bill (Dirty Harry) Callahan made a conscious move to emphasize the run by using the pass at the half. Real Coach of the Year Herm Edwards tried to change the pace and break the momentum by calling for my reviews than a Broadway musical, but to no avail. Callahan was heard to say after the game, "Now I don’t know in all the excitement, whether I called 3 deep posts or 4. But given this is the world’s most powerful offense, and can blow you clean of the field of play, you gotta ask yourself one question. Can I stop it? Well, can ya? Can ya, Punk?" Apparently he was speaking to Jersey coach Herm(inator) Edwards, who replied, "A man’s gotta know his limitations." True dat.

Speed kills but toughness and rest are tough to beat. It is worth noting that the venerable Dick Hantak bowed out of a distinguished career by explaining everything, including why the sky is blue. The Look Man hates this new initiative of explaining every call ad nauseum, but Hantak has served with competence since the days of Red Cashion. Adieu, Dick.

Looking Ahead:

McNabbsty is back, but he may still be rusty. The real issue is how will the Iggles D do vs. Bad Brad Johnson? Look for the fast Cannonball LBs to keep McNabbsty contained, but he and The Walrus will burn them the way the Niners should have: by throwing the deep seam route to complement running between the tackles. As the Stillers proved, you don’t beat a bully by running away; you beat a bully by going toe to toe and punching him in the nose. Central Florida goes home cold and bloodied, with their mantra "wait til next year" intact. Iggles cover the 3, wining 24-16.

In a word: epic. Two tough, physical teams meeting for the second time this year, with the winner going to the Big Show. Both teams narrowly missed in recent years, and the Grayders may be on their last life at $50 million over the salary cap next season.

Most pundits figure no way the Thumbtacks can win, but they have been saying that all year. Figure this:

1) the ‘tacks have allowed one 100-yard rusher all year (Corky Dildo - Nati)

2) have one of the top 5 defenses in the league

3) possess great cover-DBs

4) despite injuries to McNair, George and all-World TE Frank Paycheck, have put together a solid season.

So before you discount their chances, take the 7 points and laugh all the way to the bank.

Of course the Grayders will do it with physicality, using OL Matt Stinchcomb and Langston (Hughes) Walker as tight ends in the Jumbo formation. They really miss TE Roland Williams’ blocking, but they should tenderize the Thumbtacks with some passes to loosen up the secondary first. Last week, Cinderella was wearing green & white, but her slipper got caught in a sliver and black blender. This week, the veteran Thumbtacks will put in a workmanlike performance and fall just short of the glory that is the Silver and Black. I particularly like Grayder LB Eric (Sarah) Barton, who has seen to more guys in the hospital than the famous nurse. He is athletic, fast and underrated. In short, he will punk Eddie George and the rest of the Thumbtacks on Sunday. Look for him in coverage on Frank Paycheck, the ‘tacks only real weapon other than McNair.

The Hapless Bungals hired D-Coordinator Marvin Lewis to lead the Nati from the cellar. Lewis is selecting his coaching staff, but will not announce his choices until they are final. Tim Krumrie and Kenny (The Exorcist) Anderson are already out, and offensive coaches Bob (DUI) Bratkowski and the venerable Jim Anderson are staying. Rumors indicate that Lewis is in negotiations with The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion and Auntie M to complete his staff. Bungals owner Mike Brown believes that the hiring of Lewis, an African-American, amounts to "turning over a new leaf" for the franchise. Mikey Boy had better turn over an oak tree if this team is to succeed. "We have interviewed everyone from Mike (Fulla) Mularkey to Kozmo Kramer, and we believe that Marvin is the best choice. My daughter Katie (Blackburn) was pulling for us to hire Elaine Benes, but we were concerned about the Seinfeld Curse. Lord knows none of those co-stars has had a winner since Jerry’s show went off the air."

Still, the history of racial unrest in the Queen City makes the choice a public relations coup, if nothing else. The Look Man is gambling on the latter. [This report sponsored by "Hope Springs Eternal", the official theme of the Cincinnati Bengals]

Grayders and Iggles will match up in a SB XV XV redux, only this time there won’t be any Kenny (the Colonel) King and Ron (The Polish Rifle) Jaworski in the contest. Loose Gannon vs. Filthy McNabbsty will be a contrast in styles between the heady pocket passer and the QB of the New Age: mobile, fast and athletic. RBs Duce Staley vs. Charlie (Rockford Files) Garner, Todd Pinkston vs. Tim (Downtown Julie) Brown, Bill (Saliva) Romanowski vs. All That is Holy are the other potential matchups.

Finally, this report would not be complete without mentioning the passing of former Boston Globe writer and TV commentator Will McDonough. Willie Mac was a "hard-nosed Irishman who looked like a henchman from a Jimmy Cagney movie", who made his legend in the 1979, by punching out Pats CB Raymond Clayborn for trying to intimidate him. Always opinionated, but usually accurate, McDonough is survived by his son Sean, also in the business.

Out.