Look Man Report: Super Bowl (Not So) Special Report

Back in the early Eighteenth Century, a renegade pirate by the name of Edward Teach terrorized the Atlantic Coast from the West Indies to New England. As many pirates of the day, he was born of nobility, but turned to the dark side of the Force because it paid better. His black curly locks covered his head and face, and gave rise to the nickname "Blackbeard." Enemies likened his menacing visage to someone who stepped straight from hell. Blackbeard’s reputation for cruel ruthlessness was exacerbated by his habit of sticking lighted matches into his curls in order to light up this face and dark eyes, to create a more Satanic appearance. Since there were no revolvers in those days, Blackbeard carried six pistols, which he carried around his hirsute chest. He struck fear in the hearts of seafarers and landlubbers alike and if he were alive today, he might be considered akin to Charles Manson. Of course, a similar comparison might be the Tampa Bay Buccaneer defensive unit.

Another, older legend features a pirate named Graybeard, who attempts to come correct ala Tony Soprano, and settle down with his ill-gotten wealth. He has difficulty securing a bride due to the unusual color of his beard (they didn’t have Grecian Formula in those days), and the unusual disappearance of his previous wives. Finally, he snags a bride based on his wealth, and provides her with the keys to his castle. The only stipulation is that she not use the key to a closet off the guest bedroom. When Graybeard goes on a business trip, the wife noses around in that very closet and finds the skeletal remains of Graybeard’s former spouses. When he asks for the keys upon his return, she attempts to give him all but the closet key. Realizing that she has violated his edict, he goes to kill his new bride, only to be fileted by her brothers just before consummating the act.

The moral of the story is "Women; can’t live with ‘em, can’t cut ‘em up and put them in a closet." Either that or, "when in doubt against a good defense, run the football." If Tampa Bay is the Blackbeards, the Oakland Raiders are the Graybeards. At any rate, the Silver & Black re-learned some very old and very painful lessons on Sunday at the hands of the Central Florida Blackbeards, as their flags were tossed in Super Bowl XXXVII (that’s 37 for you non-Romans), 41-28. The number 1 Blackbeard defense gave no quarter against the Oaktown Oldies’ number 1 offense. At times its seemed as if the Tampa D featured Reebok Office LB Terry Tate yelling, "Game time is pain time!" By contrast, the Oldies offense was reminiscent of Willie Nelson whimpering, "My face is burning." The only question was whether it was from embarrassment or bruising.

The pre-game ceremonies started off with a nice opening of Carlos Santana and his band wearing silver and black outfits and "representin’ the ghetto" in fine form. Beyonce Knowles joined Carlos in a dress that had every heterosexual man (and alternative lifestyle woman) in the audience on the edge of his chair. Beyonce was shaking it in a fashion that made The Look Man wonder if we were about to see TV history in the area of frontal nudity. She sang "Oye Como Va" (means "check out my dress" in Espanol), and was followed by the tastefully attired Michelle Branch doing Santana’s latest single. The Look Man is not big on tasteful attire, especially when it means less flesh being displayed by nubile young women.

The coin toss featured several members of the undefeated ’72 Miami Marine Mammals. Chief Cook and Bottle Washer Don (Don’t Call Me Dave) Shula flipped the Spanish Doubloon for Referee Bill (Toyota) Carollo. Jerry (The San Francisco Treat) Rice called "heads" and the Blackbeards won the toss since former Referee Phil Luckett wasn’t officiating. Central Florida received the kickoff and both teams felt each other out for the better part of the quarter, after FGs by Martin Automatica and DUI-akowski.

The quarter featured Graybeards CB Charles Woodson picking off (Bad) Brad Johnson on a wounded duck, and an incredibly bogus call on a kickoff fumble, which was quickly rectified by Toyota & Crew. Contrary to popular opinion, the Graybeards put some nasty shots on the Blackbeards, including hits on Bad Brad, Alstott and Stecker by LBs Nappy Harris, Bill Romanowski and Eric (Clara) Barton respectively. Loose Gannon followed with a gift pick to Win-Dex(ter) Jackson when he tried to throw across his body on the run. The old saw, "never throw late to the middle" is an old saw for a reason, and Loose was fortunate that there was no TD on the play. The Blackbeards stayed in a nickel for most of the quarter, resulting in a number of batted down balls. The game resembled two heavyweight fighters feeling each other out, both attempting to avoid the early KO.

For some reason, Loose failed to read The Look Man Report, Week 20, and go deep early and often. Possibly, the fact that he was wearing Cannonball D-lineman like bling-bling had something to do with the fact. It seems that his Pro Bowl center, Barrett (Batman and) Robbins, decided to go out with Stanley Wilson, Snoop Dogg and some hookers to smoke rope and drink tequila down in TJ on Friday, and didn’t bother returning until after the final pregame walk-thru on Saturday. Bill (Dirty Harry) Callahan told the team, " We lost Batman, tonight, Men", and benched the Pro Bowler. Batman calls the line blocking for the Oldies and with him out, their ability to pick up unique stunts and looks was reduced. The Graybeards eschewed the deep ball philosophy early in favor of on underneath throws and trap draws to Charlie Garner.

The second quarter started off with Loose taking his lumps from Greg (A)spires and Simeon (The Disciple) Rice on bad line calls. All Pros like Lincoln Kennedy, Frank Middleton, Mo (food, please) Collins, and Barry Sims all missed assignments as the Blackbeards pillaged Loose Gannon in the backfield. To their credit however, Loose did take way too long on some 3-step drops, deciding to have a cup of Grey Goose while looking over the D. These cocktails led to Loose walking the plank and getting whacked by the Bay Boys’ swash-buckles. One might have thought that Loose was playing with an eyepatch covering one of his baby browns.

The ensuing punt led to Bad Brad throwing to Me-Shawn Johnson for a key first down. Me-Shawn took a wicked shot in the back of the head by future Hall of Fame DB Rod Woodson, but held on to the rock. The Graybeards D showed fatigue, as RB Michael (don’t call me Kavicka) Pittman looked like Sweetness in the first half with 72 rushing yards. The biggest play of the half was a sweet 23-yard scamper on a student body left to Pittman. The Graybeards were caught in a strong side zone rotation away from the play, and had 2 guys being blocked by 4 Blackbeards. Me-Shawn led the charge by blocking DE (Ronald) Regan Upshaw. Apparently Ronald forgot he was a DE due to his Alzheimer’s, and got handled by a guy weighing 70 pounds less than he. Pittman would still be running if it weren’t for R-Woodson busting up the play. The Blackbeard score made it 13-3, time to wave the white flag.

The Bucs sensed that the Graybeards were on the gangplank after that and continued to pillage the tired defense with a pass to WR Joe Jurevicious who had LB coverage. The play was the exact play the Bucs ran vs. the Iggles, but to the opposite side. A LB cannot cover Joe Jurevicious regardless of the pattern. The Graybeards offense could do nothing and gave up a Loose pick on a pump fake that Win-Dex just laughed at. Field position changed in an even game to that point. The film study by Bucs D was obvious, as Win-Dex immediately went opposite the pump fake and voila! A Keenan McCardell TD following a push off on Charles Woodson resulted in a 20-3 halftime lead and a tidal wave of momentum.

Shania Twain came out with the Loose Gannon theme song "Feel Like a Woman", wearing a Jennifer Garner hairdo, and an outfit from the movie "Batman IV". The ensemble was kind of a Batgirl meets Cher, featuring a diamond bra and a goofy cape. Mercifully, Gwen Stefani and No Doubt, who jammed to a fake audience with Sting, replaced Shania. Gwen and Sting did a duet version of "Message in a Bottle" for Jerry Rice. The lyrics seemed especially poetic in light of the score:

Unfortunately, no one could stop the Blackbeards on the high seas at Qualcomm, and on the opening kickoff, Graybeards KO returner Danny Knight got decleated, then nearly decapitated. Loose came in and went 3 and out, and the rout was on.

The lethargy of the Graybeards D was epitomized by Bad Brad running for 10 yards on 3^rd and 4 in the first series. Bad Brad is only slightly faster than Touché Turtle and he isn’t being featured on any Fox TV "Man vs. Beast" specials for his speed. Still, he cooked the tired Oldies while leading Tampa to an 89-yard TD drive at the 5:30 mark. The drive ate 8 minutes of clock and culminated in a 4 yard pass to McCardell for a TD to make the score 27-3 at that juncture. The Look Man writes "Game Over, Man. Game Over" in his notebook ala Bill Paxton in Alien 3.

Just when it seemed hopeless for Oaktown, Loose came back and threw an out pattern to the San Francisco Treat which Blackbeard nickel corner Dwight Smith ran back for a TD to make it 34-3. The play looked like many others where the Bucs D simply knew what would be coming, and Loose failed to make the correct read. It was not until Loose threw the skinny post to Jerry (The Ice Man) Porter that the game even appeared to be competitive. The catch was ruled incomplete by the Back Judge in what would become a recurring pattern of him being out of position on end zone line calls. Replay confirmed the completion and the call was overturned. Dirty Harry then pulled a bonehead by going for a 2 point conversion early in the 3^rd. The Disciple drilled Gannon for no points to make it 34-9 vs. 34-10. The mo’ moved little following a sweet pass that showed a crack in the hull of the Blackbeard flagship.

The blocked punt by the Raiders at the 14:20 mark resulted in another TD and goofy 2-point conversion decision early in the 4^th Quarter. The result? No catch, and the score 34-15 vs. 34-17, and a 3 possession game. Still, the quick strike score at a perfect time reminded The Look Man of the passing of character actor Richard Crenna. Crenna is best known for his role as Colonel Sam Trautman in the Rambo franchise, First Blood. He starred in television on "The Real McCoys" opposite Walter Brennan, and is a veteran of the stage and screen. The Look Man is sure that he, Sid Gillman and Jonathan Harris are putting together an award-winning rendition of the Knute Rockne story in Heaven.

Colonel Sam Trautman (Crenna): " It's over, Johnnie. IT'S OVER!"

Major John Rambo (Stallone): "NOTHING IS OVER! NOTHING!!"

On the next Tampa possession, CB C-Woodson initiates a corner blitz on a 3^rd and long which is converted for a first down. The Look Man wondered aloud whether the Graybeards called this blitz, and if so, why is Rod Woodson yelling at C-Woodson? A pass interference call on C-Woodson vs. McCardell on an uncatchable ball at the 12:00 mark cemented the sense that the refs would not let the Graybeards back into this one. McCardell undressed C-Woodson on the play, ripping his shoulder pads out of his jersey. It would have been a good no-call but PI? Get real. Fortunately, a bad snap and Automatica went Garo Yepremian trying to deal a pass, so no points resulted from the bogus call.

The Graybeards rebounded with a San Francisco treat TD on the deep skinny post that the Look Man called for right out of the box. When faced with Cover 2 and a slow-footed safety, Rice burned them all to the endzone for 6. Two Raiders scores in about 3 minutes. Could we be in Stillers comeback mode?

The answer came on Derrick Brooks (Brothers) interception TD when he looked at Gannon’s eyes and stepped in front of a pass into TRIPLE coverage. The pass was intended for Danny Knight. Can someone tell me why Knight was even in the game? Dwight Smith scored on another pick in garbage time as Loose threw 5 TD’s, with 3 going to the Pewter Pirates. In days of old, pirate ships displayed the Jolly Roger, a skull and crossbones flag reflecting their allegiance to no country. If the blood red flag was hoisted, it meant that the pirates would "give no quarter" to the retreating ship, and that none aboard would be spared a vicious death. The Buccaneers logo is such a flag, and on this Sunday it harkened back to those days on the high seas.

Loose had the worst QB performance in the history of the bowl. On the other side of the coin, Pittman was not the MVP despite 120 yards on 29 carries. John Madden once said that "championship teams can run the ball and stop the run." The Blackbeards proved the definition was accurate, as they did both. Of course, the Grayders made it easy by running only once in the entire second half.

Madden also provided some interesting analysis regarding the saying, "Defense wins Super Bowls." He (and the Look Man) believed that the saying was no longer true in today’s NFL, based on the prolific nature of the offenses and the rules changes. While Madden now believes it is true, The Look Man continues to question the outclassed and outcoached Graybeards. While The Look Man mentioned last week that Jerry Rice and Tim Brown looked old in the win over the Flaming Thumbtacks, he failed to understand the amount of tenderizing done by the Thumbtacks. The Thumbtacks put enough MSG (Manly Sticks @ Gametime) on the Graybeards to turn their flanks into fajitas, just in time to go up against the toughest defense this side of the ‘85 Bears.

While all agree that Jon (Chucky) Gruden knew the Graybeards' tendencies, Dirty Harry and his staff worked with Chucky for years and they should have known what he liked as well. What killed the Graybeards was that DH didn't use any keybreakers to keep the Bucs off balance. Case in point: Bucs S Dexter Jackson took off to the opposite side of the field the moment Gannon pump faked. That is ludicrous. Callahan and O-Coordinator Marc (The Man With No Eyebrows) Trestman should have worked on plays to take advantage of their own tendency charts. Instead they played right into the hands of Chucky, even to the point of keeping the same audible calls. Chucky knew what plays they were running because the Oldies didn't even bother to change the hand signals or line calls. Sad. The Look Man heard the disgust in Madden's voice, as well as his own.

One obscure story at the core of the Super Bowl hype was the Browns Connection to SB XXXVII. There were 5 ex-Browns on the Tampa roster and 1 on the Oakland roster. In addition, 2 Raiders coaches cut their professional teeth in Cleveland. Of those 2, one cut his personal eyebrows there as well: Trestman. "I used to have eyebrows when I was a kid. Back in ’89, I made some bad play calls for Bernie Kosar, and he was none too happy about it. When he got to the sideline, his profane language singed them right off. They never grew back in, so I had to use a tattoo artist and pull my hat way down over my eyes. Man, that Bernie could sure cuss", says TMWNE. TMWNE was in Cleveland in '89 for the AFC Championship in Denver, and in Minnesota when they imploded vs. the Falcons in the NFC Championship. The Look Man failed to recognize incompetence in his calculations. In the words of Pete Townsend, "We won’t be fooled again. Next time we reformat the harddrive and dump Trestman."

Of the ex-Brown players, the most unusual is backup OT Lomas (on the Totem Pole) Brown, who played under Coach Chris Palmer in the Browns inaugural season in 1999. Brown was later sent packing for being a vocal force whose play wasn’t backed up by his boast. Tim Sofa Boy Couch spent most of that season on his back, thanks in large part to the Totem Pole. Brown carved a new job out with the NY Jynts, and Kerry Collins has the footprints on his hands to prove it. Totem Pole now has his first SB ring after stints with Detroit, Cleveland, the Cardinals and Jynts. "You can’t win if you’re not in", says TP. "Besides, I get paid the same whether I am starting and missing blocks, or just sitting here playing cards on the sideline."

TP was followed at LT by Roman (The Italian) Oben, a man not physically well suited to the position. Though he is large, he possesses short arms, small hands, and slow feet. Other than that, he is an ideal blind-side tackle. "I pretty much held every down against Regan Upshaw and Hugh Douglas. If they let me do that all year, I could be in the Pro Bowl. According to Totem Pole, I could play another VIII or X years, so I might make it.", says the Italian. "I understand why the Browns let me go with that microfractured knee and all. I just couldn’t move like I wanted to, and Timmie took some mean punishment. One time a guy just ripped his cushions off in the middle of the field. It was awful."

Other ex-Browns include Blackbeards punter Tom (Terrific) Tupa, DT Greg Spires, and TE Rickey Dudley (Do-Right). Do-Right is also an ex-Raider, best known for not being able to catch a cold naked in Alaska. The former Buckeye has dropped more balls than a lottery spokesperson, but continues to turn up like the proverbial bad penny. "Someone said that I nearly dropped that little flat pass against the Eagles, but I always catch a ball at least twice. It’s kind of my trademark. Sure a few of them hit the ground, but if the refs don’t see it, hey, it’s a catch in my book", says the Dudster. His girlfriend Nell agreed.

It would be improper not to give the Blackbeards their kudos, so the Look Man will say simply that they are the best defense in the NFL. They routinely made good QBs look like Sofa Boy, which ain’t easy. Further, their talent could propel them to 1-2 more rings in the next 3 years. Unfortunately, The Look Man believes that their propensity for flamboyance will supersede the dedication required for greatness. Me-Shawn has already indicated that he will retire in 3 years win, lose or whine.

The LM Season Finale could not conclude with a review of the SB Commercials, many of which were LOL funny. The LM’s personal favorites (in no particular order):

1. Willie Nelson - H&R Block : Classic.
2. Old MJ vs. Young MJ - Gatorade
3. MJ vs. Jackie Chan in Hanes T-shirts
4. The Hulk: starring Shrek as the Hulk and Eddie Murphy as Dr. Doolittle Banner
5. ABC’s "Alias" featuring Jennifer (Victoria’s Secret) Garner
6. Terminator 3 vs. Matrix 2 vs. Bad Boys2 (enough gunfire to start WWIII)
7. The aforementioned "Terry Tate: Office LB" for Reebok (it looked like NFL Films’ Hard Knocks video)
8. Castaway - FedX (no Tom Hanks but plenty of humor)

Well, as the sun sets on the 2002 season, we look to next year to satisfy our collective NFL jones. The Look Man will come with sporadic reports for key developments during the year, but until next year, "Vaya con Dios, mi amigos!" (Translation: "don’t go for no bananas in your tailpipes!")

Out.

The Look Man