LMR Week 17: There Can Be Only One!

Week 17 in the NationalÖFootballÖLeague was the culmination of an entire season of uncertainty. 18 teams were left to compete for 12 playoff spots, most of them in the AFC. The NFC seedings were incomplete, but 3 teams had a legitimate shot at home field advantage. All of this uncertainty was a direct result of crazy, bizarre games in which the division leaders slumped, and lowly non-contenders upset heavy favorites. At least 2 of the division winners had 4 game losing streaks.

As usual, we start off with the C-town Browns. The Browns needed a win over the ATL and a combination of wins/losses by the Marine Mammals, Jersey Aeronauticals, Chefs, Grayders, and Chowds in order to get in. In a season in which the Browns played 2 overtimes and lost one game on the well documented toss of a helmet, it was only fitting that their season came down to this. ATL needed a win to get in or a loss by the New Orleans Religious Icons over a last place NFC South Panthers team in order to guarantee playing in January.

The Browns began the day by dominating Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick and the Dirty Birds. Tim (Sofa Boy Couch) looked sharp and the return of Dennis Northcutt punctuated the offensive attack. The Browns quickly went up 13-0 over the Dirty Birds, when Head Coach Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis decided to pull a page from the Hapless Bungals playbook and kick a pooch punt instead of a 46 yarder to put the Browns up 16-0. While the pooch punt worked, the signal that the Browns were afraid was loud and clear. The ATL roared back with two sweet drives by Jack B Nimble to go up 14-13 early in the 4^th quarter. One key play was an 18-second scramble by Vick that ended in a fumble but was recovered by ATL. Despite the outcome, the play featured Vick making Browns linemen look like Keystone Cops as they chased an elusive target who set his O-line up for crunching blocks. This one goes in the archive right next to the 40-yard TD scamper vs. the Vikes in OT. Of course, it is worth noting that the Browns DBís put some nice licks on Vick, notably Corey Fuller (Brush man)ís whacking in the 2^nd quarter, and Robert (Andy) Griffithís teeth-rattler in the 3rd quarter. After the Griffith hit, Vick thought he was in Mayberry and threw an ill-advised pass over the middle, to Aunt Bee.

The other notable action was the injury to Sofa Boy, who broke a leg, but continued to allow folks to relax on him for another couple of plays before retiring. "I figured I could just use my other 3 legs as a base, but it was just too painful, so I told Kelly (Temporaries) Holcomb to come in and lead the team", said the Furniture Kid. Kelly Temporaries came in and promptly threw 2 picks before settling down to business. Actually, Bruce (Foghorn Leghorn) Arians actually settled the issue by handing off to William (The Exorcist) Green 49 straight times. Eventually, the Exorcist went vertical with a 64 yard burst absent any visible projectile vomiting. "They were afraid I might ralph all over them, so I stutter-stepped and took it to the House. One of those guys looked just like Father Damien Karras just before he went down those steps. I think it was Ashley Ambrose", said Green. The TD burst gave The Exorcist 178 rushing yards on the day, and put the Browns up 24-16 with 3:53 left in the final quarter. "Now that theah is a fuhst round, I say, fuhst round, pick", said Leghorn.

"Too quick. They scored too quick", replied the Look Man. Of course, in typical Kardiac Kids fashion, Jack B Nimble and the Birds drove to the Browns 4-yard line where Dan (Zocor) Reeves had an unfortunate Bungals moment. Reeves called a run on first down (stuffed), a pass on 2^nd down (IN-COM-PLETE!), a run on 3^rd down (stuffed), and a run on 4^th down (game over, man, game over). Zocor never gave the ball to the Ultimate Weapon, Michael Vick. Further, the 3^rd down stuffing was courtesy of Dwayne (My name rhymes with) Rudd, who punished the undersized Warrick (no relation to Kevin) Dunn in the hole. Pundits pontificate that the announcement of the Iconsí loss a few minutes earlier caused Zocor to mail it in and avoid injury to Jack B Nimble.

Even the presence of noted NFL Zebra of the Week Awardee Johnny Grier couldnít dampen the spirits of the crowd as Grier went on rule a TD catch by Alg(a)e Crumpler incomplete. "The lack of light did not allow photosynthesis to occur. The ruling on the field is incomplete pass based on the absence of a liquid growth medium. The cyanobacteria is charged a timeout", said Grier. Still the Barking Dawg D preserved the win with a goal line stand in front of the Pound, and sent 73,000 fans home to wait for the Marine Mammals or Aeronauticals outcome.

Speaking of the ZOTW, it must go to Bob (Whee!) McElwee, who did the Marine Mammals-Chowds game. With the Fish up and cruising in the 4^th quarter, Whee called pass interference on the Mammalsí CB Jamar Fletcher vs. David (Vincent Van) Patten. The call was as preposterous as any all season, and of course the Chowds responded by scoring to make it a 3-point ballgame. After a Bungals moment by Mammalsí coach Dave Wannstedt in which he chose to pass the ball 3 times with just over 2 minutes left, the Chowds went on to tie and win the game in OT, 27-24. The incompletions by Jay Fiedler (on the roof) stopped the clock and amounted to free timeouts to Bellicose and the Chowds.

The final piece of the Christmas Pie for Cleveland was the Pack at Jets. The Cheeseheads were playing for home field advantage in the NFC and the Jets playoff lives were hanging by a chad. Fortunately that hanging Chad was the Jersey QB, who threw numerous completions under duress. Speed kills as demonstrated by (Carlos) Santana Moss and Wayne (Raspberry) Chrebet, as the Aeronauticals won in dominating fashion, 42-17. The final was dramatic, but the game was close, featuring some incredible laser shots from Brett Favre (Bean) to his wideouts. The balls were not so much caught as stuck into the WRs equipment, including a TD bullet to Terry (She) Glenn. The Aeronauticalsí win catapulted them and Cleveland into the postseason, and ejected the defending Super Bowl champs, Mammals, Bolts and Donkeys from the playoff picture.

The week would not have been complete without the following:

1. NO Coach Jim (Lemon Top) Haslett dials 1-800-GET-AJOB, and blows each of the last 3 games required to get into January. The teams were the Vikes, Bungals, and Panthers, each in last place at the time of the loss. Atlanta edges the Icons out of the playoffs after a second straight late year collapse.
2. Dick LeBeau(nhead) gets his just desserts by being fired following a 2-14 season and a final W-L record worse than Hall of Shame Coach Dave Shula. In addition, QB Jon Pickna misses a $1.6M bonus for playing 80% of the teams snaps. Pickna finished a 79.886, just six plays short. Picknaís numerous interceptions contributed to his shortfall, but not nearly as much as missing 3 games to Akili (Means "punk" in Swahili) Smith and Gus (means "little brother" in French) Frerotte.
3. Dallas Cowpokes owner Michael Jackson flirted with Bill (The Tuna) Parcells in Big D while Dave (Papa Smurf) Campo was still the head coach. As a result, the Pokes lost to the Capitol City Genocide Victims for the first time in 11 games. The Tuna is likely to stay at ESPN since the league is mandating the interviewing of minority candidates. The Starheads may now turn to former Vikes coach Dennis Green. Green is best remembered for eating his way out of the championship game in Minnesota.
4. Although the Grayders punished the Chefs in a monsoon last Saturday, they lost TE Roland Williams to an ACL tear. The Oaktown Oldies say Williams may play thru the pain, but the injury is sure to hurt their newfound running game in the playoffs.

Hereís how it shakes out: The Ponies and Aeronauticals meet on Saturday in Jersey. The Wild Card matchup features the only 2 African-American head coaches in the league, Tony Dungy and Herm Edwards. The Look Man believes Edwards deserves much more Coach of the Year consideration, since he accomplished the most with the least talent. A first year QB, busted up RB Curtis (My Favorite) Martin, and an unproven, rebuilt defense make his accomplishments dwarf those of Andy Reid, Bill Callahan or Jim (Riverboat Gambler) Fassell. The Meadowlands is a field of nightmares that had to be replaced after the Jynts and Aeronauticals back-to-back aeration jobs last weekend. Plans to sell portions of the turf as souvenirs had to be scrapped because the entire field was in the cleats of the combatants. Hopefully, the new surface will actually be playable.

Baby makes 3 as the Browns meet the Stillers at Ketchup Field on Sunday, in the prophylactic match. The Browns narrowly lost each of the 2 earlier contests by 3 points. The Browns are planning to bring extra hotdogs since the condiments will be free, and the game is likely to go more than 4 quarters. Jerome (The Bus) Bettis hopes his wheels will go ëround and ëround on Sunday after a week of rest. Plexiglass Burress and Hines (57) Ward are salivating at the opportunity to pad their stats vs. the Barking Dawg D. Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox looks to have his schwerve on against Kelly Temporaries, who will replace Sofa Boy at QB. Sofa is expected to miss the postseason with the broken leg injury, but should return next year with Louis XIVth legs instead of his current rococo stylings. At any rate, the game ought to be another good one, and the Look Man is currently assessing the ticket demand for a well-deserved road trip to the Iron City.

As for our wagers for the brand new automobile, the Look Man will have to survey the hardcopy for the current standings. Look for an update next week after my Brownies shock the world in Blitzburgh.

Out.