LMR Week 20: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum
Who knew in Week 1 that the season would come down to this: two pirate ships heading toward an epic battle on the high seas? Well, maybe not the high seas, but a meeting at Top Gun House on the Left Coast, and we aren't talking about eating fish tacos here. The matchup moniker is just as intriguing: The Gruden Bowl. Personally, The Look Man thinks Chucky is getting way too much credit, since both of these teams have been on the cusp of greatness for awhile now. For now, its Al (The Godfather) Davis vs. Jon (Chucky) Gruden for all the marbles.
First, however, The Look Man must attend to some housekeeping matters. Week 19’s LMR included several rather egregious errors requiring retraction and apology. Without putting too fine a point on it, The Look Man does know the symbols for "less than" and "greater than", as well as the fact that it was Clara and not Sarah Barton, who healed the sick. In addition, it was DT Casey Hampton, not Kimo von Clink who earholed Eddie George, the Raidas and Iggles played in SB XV, not XXII, and Eric Barton would not likely cover Frank Wycheck since he plays weakside LB, not strongside. Now that we have cleared up these peccadilloes, in the words of Judge Mills Lane (and Marvin Gaye before him), "Let’s get it onnnn!"
The first game featured 2 fast, rugged defenses against 2 Pro Bowl QBs. Donovan (Filthy) McNabb(sty) has speed, quickness and a great arm. (Bad) Brad Johnson is a classic pocket passer, with little mobility and a glass jaw. The Look Man posited that the torch was about to be passed from old cement-shoed QBs to the New Age guys. Instead the torch scorched the pinkies of Filthy as he threw a late pick to seal the deal vs. a dominating Cannonballs defense. Both McNabbsty and Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick are out of the playoff picture, and the remaining passers are pretty much pocket passers with great accuracy and outstanding reading ability. Needless to say, the torch has not been passed on to the mobile new age QB’s just yet.
The game featured veteran Referee and itinerant bottle-dodger Terry McAulay. McAulay is best known for - - - you guessed it, the Browns-Jags 2001 beer night imbroglio in C-town. In the NFC title game, T-Mac simply called pass interference vs. TE Chad Lewis that may have been the biggest play of the game. Chad supposedly pushed off of Ronde (the) Barber (of Seville) en route to a key first down catch. Replay clearly indicated otherwise, but too late for the Iggles' hopes of turning the tide in a then close game. The Barber had one of the best games ever played by a DB, racking up a fumble on a QB blitz, several batted balls, and the game sealing TD pick. He did not need help from T-Mac.
A physical Iggles D decked Brad Johnson at least 6 times by The Look Man’s count. Regardless of the domination by the bullies on D, Bad Brad was about 2 hits away from foolishly giving up the rock and the game. Take away a 71-yard scamper by Joe Jurevicious and a wide-open skinny post TD to Me-Shawn Johnson, and this one belongs to the Birds.
Andy (The Walrus) Reid went extremely conservative in the last football game ever to be played at the venerable Vet, effectively handcuffing Filthy by calling zero deep balls the entire game. While it looked like non-Coach of the Year Jon (Chucky) Gruden outcoached him at every turn, a lot of the blame has to be laid at the feet (and ankle) of Filthy, who missed more 1st down passes than Jon Kitna. Filthy was obviously rusty, and took off running only twice in the contest. Worse, he failed to slide-step in the pocket, setting up the 2 fumbles that ruined their momentum and sealed their fate. The Walrus told them "to play with pluck" not "get plucked." Now they’re playing the home version and looking at offensive tackles with better feet, and a WR who won’t disappear in big games.
The Look Man has an ongoing theory about the Cannonballs which states that their Cover 2 scheme’s weakness is the lack of speed by safeties Brad Jackson and John Lynch(pin). Unfortunately, nobody but the Stillers has bothered to test that theory due to a concern about getting their QB killed (note: Stillers QB was deaf, dumb and blind, and therefore did not fear death). The physical defense put the Iggles in the same box as others, D-line pressure cooker accented by a little B&D on the side. The net result is QB soufflé.
The Cannonballs seemed a little too happy to win and too eager to wear their NFC Champions hats, which popped out the moment The Barber picked off Filthy. WR Me-Shawn Johnson even broke out the Bradshaw retro jersey so he could get on the Fox postgame. Fortunately, they disregarded him, much as the Iggles secondary did most of the afternoon.
Titans @ Grayders:
We should have known when Ed (The Hulk) Hochuli started turning green from the opening gun that this would be a flag fest. As it turns out Bruce Banner & Crew threw 14 for 127 yards on the Grayders alone! The Hulk is reporting for Tommy John surgery prior to the Super Bowl.
Granted, many were stupid fouls by the overzealous Oaktown Oldies, but most were ticky-tack calls that we could have done without. The net result was a game with little momentum until the Flaming Thumbtacks put the rock on the ground twice in a 39-second span. Even the Grayders could recognize these gifts, and they happily returned the favor by roughing up Air McNair and generally causing mayhem. The Grayders gave up a record 7 first downs by penalty. Fortunately, the Thumbtacks gave 3 back to the Grayders en route to 41-24 pasting. Never before have so few (refs) given so much (guff) to so many (fans).
Before we attribute the entire game to the Zebra of the Week winner, The Look Man has got to mention that these 2 offensive lines were incredible. Lincoln (actually drives a Cadillac in real life) Kennedy, Barry Sims, Frank Middleton, Mo (no relation) Collins and Barrett Robbins vs. Tom Ackerman, Genneraro Dinapoli, Brad (Bread) Hopkins, Fred (Bubba) Miller and Benji Olson; talk about your clash of the Thumbtacks. These guys waged war on the opposing defenses from the opening gun. Frank Middleton pancaked the Thumbtacks DE who attempted a loop stunt on Garner’s early TD. Big Frank simply gave him the tomahawk with the forearm ala Dallas Cowboys Eric Williams, then landed on top of him as he ate dirt. Pass the syrup, please, that Bumble’s hungry! Big Frank looks like an African American version of the Michelin Man, only meaner. A lot meaner.
Early in the quarter, ‘Tacks OT Bubba Miller shoved Romanowski following a double team tackle on McNair, who had clearly released the ball. The Hulk jumps in with a 15 yard unsportsmanlike on the ‘Tacks, if you can believe that. Hulk must have gotten the memo from the league: no calls on Romo, no matter how dirty he gets. How can anyone blame Bubba for decking a guy who tackles his QB without the ball in his hands?
O-coordinators Marc (The Man with No Eyebrows) Trestman and Mike (A Real) Heimerdinger used these behemoths like chess pieces, each calling great games. The defenses accommodated, including Charles Woodson’s slip on WR Drew Bennett’s TD pass. There wasn’t a Raida within 2 counties of Bennett as McNair rolled out to complete the pass. Not to be outdone, Rich (Loose) Gannon threw a Kent Tekulve sidearm special to Charlie (Rockford Files) Garner for a first down.
The game went on like that until just before the half. LB Eric (The Red) Barton roughing McNair; Bennett decleating Tory James; Romo spitting on people. A Tim (Downtown Julie) Brown fumble at 11:44 was incidental as the Tacks failed to make them pay. Then at 2:47, a momentum switch: McNair scrambles into the endzone on a move that was bought and paid for by LB Napoleon (Nappy) Harris’s big hit at the goal line. Though the Tacks led 17-14 with that TD, the hit proved to be the foreshadowing effect for a series of mistakes later due to the big hits delivered by both teams. Commentator Phil Simms said succinctly, "Turnovers happen for a reason. They happen because the other team is hitting you REALLY hard." Boy, that Phil really knows his football doesn’t he?
Anyhoo, the Grayders never looked back after the 2 ‘Tacks fumbles (plus one that Jerry Rice recovered, despite a withering hit by S Tank Williams). Eric the Red punched it loose from RB Robert Holcomb, who was subbing for a sub-par Eddie George. The subsequent drive was capped by a sweet key-breaker: a play-action TD pass to TE Doug Jolley following a play-fake to Zack (King of the Wild Frontier) Crockett on the goal line. Roofie Janikowski kicked a FG before the half to make it 24-17, and the rout was on. If not for a drop by Jerry (The Ice Man) Porter, the final score would have been much worse.
The rest of the game was pretty pedestrian, punctuated by the occasional big hit by Nappy or rollout scramble by Loose Gannon. Other than the inadvertent close-up shot of Raider Fan in face paint cussing, "get off the f-ing track!", it was pretty tame. A perfectly executed punt block, a couple of mean Raider sacks on McNair, and some ‘Tacks interference calls were capped by Davey Crockett Bowie-knifing his way into the endzone to ice it.
Game Balls have to go to Big John Parella, who was a force, and Sam Adams, who brewed up a quiet game at DT. Nappy Harris and Eric Barton played some mean LB, drilling Air Mac several times during the contest. But the ultimate game ball goes to the Grayders O-line which kept Loose clean and Goose-free all day. It was quite a contrast to 2 years ago, when Tony Siragusa ended the Grayders’ hopes by separating Gannon’s shoulder on a dirty hit.
Super Bowl prediction:
Two tough, physical teams meeting in the Big Show with no rest. The Grayders are on their last life at $50 million over the salary cap next season. Was it just The Look Man, or did Rice and Brown look like old men last Sunday? Not to mention the fact that although both championship games were physical, the Grayders seemed to take the most shots.
The O-lines vs. the D-lines matchup is huge. Since the game starts and ends in the trenches, I have to like the Grayders all-stars against the likes of Roman Oben, Jeff Christy, Kenyatta Walker, Kerry Jenkins, and Cosey Coleman. Too much ink has been wasted on Warren Sapp. You will see a 300-pounder disappear before your very eyes on Sunday when he goes against Barrett Robbins. Look for Monte Kiffin to try to move Warren to confuse the Grayders and hide his deficiency, but to no avail.
By the end of the game, the inexperienced Cannonballs will be sucking wind on the D-line. The Grayders will go Jumbo formation, with OL Matt Stinchcomb and Langston (Hughes) Walker as tight ends, forcing a power running game that eats clock and keeps Chucky’s offense on the sidelines.
The Look Man likes the Grayders of the Lost Art to dominate this game with precision passing first and power running later. Plus, the Silver & Black uni beats the Crimson & Pewter all day long.
Tigger Talk:
Hapless Bungals Big Cheese (Starvin') Marvin Lewis announced a very dynamic staff on Tuesday, including multiple strength coaches, former DB and D-Coordinator Leslie Frazier from the Iggles braintrust, Bungal favorite Ricky Hundley as D-line coach, and Alex Wood as QB Coach. Starvin’ also signed former Mouflons coach Ken Zampese, son of offensive guru Ernie, of Air Coryell Chargers fame.
Unfortunately, the staff also includes the return of O-line coach Paul Alexander as Asst. Head Coach, O-Coordinator Bob DUI Bratkowski, and the venerable RB Coach Jim Anderson. The return of this trio in similar roles signals the status quo in the Nasti as much as Mikey Boy Brown hating to pay folks for doing nothing. Certainly Starvin’ Marvin is calling many of the shots here, and he looks to be overhauling the organization from the claws up.
Let’s hope they are competitive, or at least, that they cease to be an embarrassment to the rest of the National Football League. We will know more by how Takeo (means Chinese Takeout in Cantonese) Spikes reacts to Starvin’s fireside chats starting this week. First he will have to explain his goofy photo on the cover of the local fishwrap last week.
[This report sponsored by "Wok & Roll", the official Asian cuisine of the Cincinnati Bengals]
The Year in Review:
At the beginning of the year, several LMR readers provided their takes on the playoff contestants. Here is a recap of those picks, with the winner getting, "Tell hiim what he wins, Jim. It’s a brand new car!" Without further ado, the scoring and the entries:
2 points for each division champ
1 point for each wild card (despite the oversight by the LM in asking the question)
3 points for conference champs
5 points for SB winner
Tiebreaker - we don’t need no stinking tiebreaker!
Sundance:
NFC East - Philadelphia
NFC South - Tampa Bay
NFC North - Green Bay
NFC West - St. Louis
AFC East - Miami
AFC South - Indianapolis
AFC North - Cincinnati
AFC West - Denver
Wild cards - Jets, Oakland NFC Champs - Philadelphia AFC Champs - Denver
Super Bowl Champs - Denver
Sundance correctly picked 3 division winners, but zero wild cards, and zero conference champs. Clearly an inferior intellect, with da Bungals selected in the AFC North. Based on this faux pas, the total for Sundance is reduced from 6 to 5 points. On the bright side, he got a coach for New Year’s, but he came with a Mike Brown attachment. Good luck, Marvin Lewis.
Chris (Red Zone) Reh
NFC East: Philly
NFC West: San Fran
NFC North: Green Bay
NFC South: Tampa Bay
AFC East: New England at the new Gillette Stadium
AFC West: Oakland
AFC North: Cleveland
AFC South: Tennessee
NFC Champs: San Fran
AFC Champs: Tennessee (alternate: New England at the new Gillette Stadium)
Super Bowl: San Fran
Red Zone correctly selected 6 division winners for 12 points, and would have gotten bonus points for selecting AFC and NFC champs, but they were incorrect. Since the Niners and Titans are out, Red Zone’s total = 12 pts.
Los Lobo, AKA the Starhead Kid:
NFC East: Iggles
NFC South: Tampa
NFC Norse Packers
NFC West: Rams
NFC Wildcards: Dallas and San Francisco
AFC East: Jets!
AFC South: Titans
AFC North: Cleveland
AFC West: Chiefs.
AFC Wildcards: Baltimore and Patriots.
Lobo correctly selected five division winners for 10 points, but missed on all Wild Cards, and did not select Super Bowl teams or winners. Total = 10 pts. On the bright side, Los Lobo did get a head coach for Xmas in Big D ("Dude, We’re Getting a Tuna!").
Da Gorill
NFC East - G-Men
NFC South - Tampon Bay
NFC North - Packa's
NFC West - 9-ers
AFC East - Miami
AFC South - Titans
AFC Nort - Stillers
AFC West - Da Raidas
NFC Champs = 9-ers AFC Champs = Titans SB World Champs = Titans
Correctly picked 7 division winners with good picks except da Marine Mammals. Unfortunately, da Gorill picked the Flaming Tacks to win it all, and as we now know, they are back in Nashville eating cornbread. Since the Niners and Titans are out, da Gorill’s total =14 points. Good job Gorill!
The Look Man:
NFC Least - Iggles
NFC South - ‘Aints
NFC North - Cheeseheads
NFC Most - Niners*
AFC East - (Vinnie-less) Aeronauticals
AFC South - Flaming Thumbtacks
AFC North - Stillers
AFC West - Grayders
Wild cards - Cleveland, KC NFC Champs - Niners AFC Champs - Grayders
Super Bowl Champs - Grayders
* - you may have noted the Week 4 LMR which indicated that the Look Man had the StL Lambs as the pick, but since the Niners were listed as NFC Champs, this was obviously a typo. Sorry for the confusion. The Look Man did NOT take credit for the NFC Most division winner.
Correctly picked 6 division winners (‘Aints and Mouflons stunk it up). Picked only AFC wild cards (for some reason) and got one of them wrong, for another 1 point. AFC Champs correctly selected for a bonus of 3 points, and the Grayders are picked to win it all. The Look Man is looking at a walk-off win if the Grayders can kick some Cannonball Butt in the Bowl. Total = 16 points, with a possible 19 with a Commitment to Excellence.