Week 3: Where Am I and Where Are My Clothes?
The 2003 NFL season is racing along and some interesting developments have occurred. Mostof the league is either 2-1 or 1-2, and many teams were eyeing the Panic Button going into Week3. This thing has more ups and downs than the California gubernatorial recall election. Luckily, itwon't be over after October 7th.
The Twin City Viqueens, Denver Donkeys, Indy Horsies, and Seattle SheHawks are all 3-0, andin position to play Go and Hide, leaving the competition in the dust. ESPN GameDay Analyst andnoted knucklehead Rush Limburger stated that many teams are already "in trouble." The LookMan, who prefers the non-stinking variety of cheesy pseudo intellectual, says it ain't over until theFat Lady hits the high note. This season will not be a runaway by anyone, but rather a ParityParty, featuring a long haul to the finish line, with several teams being eliminated by second- andthird tiebreakers. Fans can take their heads out of the oven. As for the unbeatens, many havekey injuries that will affect the future. Others have merely spit in the face of the Football Gods,and their comeuppance will be swift and capricious.
The week seemed to have some interesting matchups, but in the end, many were blowouts. TheBal'mer Fred Flintstone Lodge Brothers had a yabba dabba doo time at San Diego. Jamal (BamBam) Lewis had his way with Marty's Boys and it is starting to look like a season on ESPN's"Playmakers." The Look Man believes that a player revolt is brewing, and poor Marty (Home inthe Shade) Schottenheimer is going to be shopping for another NFL job if he can't quell theuprising. Either that or Brian Billick(goat) really is a genius. The Look Man is going for theformer.
Here's how it shaped up in Week 3:
Stillers at Bungals:The Tissue Paper Curtain rolled into the Nati with about 10,000 of their closest friends dressed inblack and gold last Sunday. Granted all the seats were sold, but the real sellouts were theBungal Fans dressed in Ugly & Black. They sat while the Stiller Faithful took over the Pall BearerStadium and rooted the Stillers to victory. The game started on a high note for the Nati, with JonPickna marching the team crisply down the field in the first quarter after a couple of feeling outsessions by both teams. As the Bakers entered Marlboro Country (AKA the Red Zone) Picknareturned to form and baked up a tailor made turnover into triple coverage. The result was a pickby Jason (Halloween XVII) Gildon. The Bakers never regained the mo.
Now the Look Man would've benched Kantna right then and there. Marvin (Jerry) Lewis decidedinstead to go Nutty Professor on the home crowd, keeping the Pastry Chef at QB, and passing onseveral FG opportunities. The capper was a fake 50-yard FG attempt on which Tommy (ThatDeaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox hit TE Jeremy (Not One but) Tuman to rumble, bumble andstumble to the 10. Not One But was wide-freaking open and only his lack of speed kept him outof the end zone. Bungals free agent LB pickup (and notable chump) Kevin Hard(l)y complainedthat the coaches called an all-out blitz, a fact that Jerry Lewis denies. "We don't air our dirtyaprons in public. It doesn't help us, and it doesn't make the bread rise either", said Jerry.
After TDDABK got hot, and the Stillers parlayed a marginal lead into a slam fest starring Jerome(The Bust) Bettis. After sitting anxiously for the first half, The Bust ran over the Bakers like arolling pin, creating a nice change of pace after (Famous) Amos Zeroue's nifty draw play speed.Jerry Lewis got badly outcoached by a slim and trim Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher. Iron Chin must bemixing in some SlimFast with his usual steroid regimen, because he was looking like JackLaLane. Noticeably absent were IC's usual spit-shower rants at the officials. He didn't need them as LB Joey (Lead Booty) Porter turned LT on the Bungals with a sack, several tackles and hiscustomary Boot(y) Dance for the Black & Gold clad fans in the North end zone.
Porter's job was made easier by the fact that Bungals back Corky Dildo failed to return in the 2nd half, citing the bad field conditions. "I got a boo-boo on my groin because of the Sandbox", saidDildo, as he took his marbles and went home. In his defense, Blades of Grass was credited with11 tackles on the day, including one on Peter (P-Dub) Warrick, who fell down in the open field ona punt return. Ironically, the field is in much better shape than when Dildo ran for a then-record278 against Denver, which couldn't even stand up in the quicksand. When Dildo left, he let the airout of the Bakers' soufflé, and Pickna couldn't bake up a win.
Jerry Lewis had better get Dean Martin back, or he is going to end up like his namesake. TheBungals roll into Cleveland on Sunday looking for win number one. Unfortunately, the Brownsgot tenderized in a physical game against the Niners, and with da Burgh up next on theirschedule, they might get the rolling pin upside the head in C-town on Sunday.
After the less than Titanic struggle, one overweight female Stiller fan flashed a few loaded BakerFaithful on the way out. The irony of her tiger-skin bra was not lost on the Look Man, but theharpoon marks that adorned her skin are permanently etched in his brain. Most of the Stiller fanssported mustaches and goatees, a classic look. Unfortunately, some of them were women.
As the downtrodden Nati-ans made their way to Oktoberfest to drown their sorrows, Stiller SlutRandy (Roy Boy) Young was accosted by a man masquerading as a fishwrap hack. The hackasked whether Roy was headed to eat brats and drink beer, as well as several other impertinentinquiries. "Y'uns gaht quite a football team", said Young. "The only thing yer missing is a QB, anda defense. Other than that, y'uns gaht quite the team" uttered the Scotch impaired Burgher."These Stiller fans come down here every year wearing their babushkas" piped in the Look Man."It's like the classic paper-rock-scissors. I guess the babushkas beat the rolling pins every time",he intoned. The hack published his article the next day in the local fishwrap, but it was absentany reference to babushkas.
Browns at Niners:After a first half that featured some SERIOUS crack-a-lackin by both defenses, the Brownsexecuted a scintillating comeback over the Niners in Candlestink Park last week. Niners Terrell(TO) Owens and Jeff (Jerry) Garcia were muttering to themselves after some of the Brownspunishing hits. Of course, Browns RB Jamel (Mr.) White also got decleated in an equalopportunity stick-fest. After letting Bal'mer run roughshod in Week 2, the Barking Dawg D shutdown Niners RBs by Committee Harrison (Ford) Gearst and Kevan (Christopher ) Barlow.
After looking pedestrian for most of the game, Browns QB Kelly (Tires) Holcomb engineered twonice TD drives including a sweet 11-yard TD to Andre Davis for the win. Tires was so excitedthat he forgot that up 13-12 with 29 seconds left, the two-point conversion was automatic.Instead, he allowed the K-ball the Zebras inserted to slip out of his hand. The Look Man iscurious whether K-balls are routinely inserted for 2-point tries, or whether the "over" was injeopardy. At any rate, it seems like a stupid move to hand QBs oblique spheroids that still havethe factory coating. Typically, those are reserved for kickers, who also hate them.
Nonetheless, the D held, and the Browns had a nice plane ride home. The only downer was thatTires blew a valve stem after getting punished on a QB sneak. He now has his annual brokentibia and faces the loss of his starting job to Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch against the Bungals. Nowonder they call him Kelly Temporaries in C-town. Now the Drizzling Davenport will have to stepit up until KT can get re-treaded. At $800K a year KT is a great tire at a fair price. The samecannot be said of the $6 million Furniture Kid.
Kelly showed some true grit, forcing Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis to come up with his usualhilarious quotes. "Kelly's performance was John Wayneesque. He showed that he could win
despite looking like crap for 2 quarters. And that's bold talk for a one-eyed thin man.", said HB.When reminded that the line was "one-eyed fat man" HB said, "Oh, I was thinking back toBaltimore tackle Orlando Brown."
Grayders @ Donkeys:The Monday Nighter promised a grudge match between the AFC Champion Grayders and theDenver Donkeys. In an unlikely surprise, only the Donkeys showed up and they brayed their wayto a serious kicking of the AFC Super Bowl reps. Jake (The Fake) Plummer pulled his game outof the toilet, including an unlikely 40-yard scramble. Fake followed up his Elway impression bypassing to wide open receivers after Clinton Portis softened up the zones by sucking in the LBswith his slashing runs.
Referee Larry Nemmers(kull) put in his bid for Zebra of the Week by calling phantom roughingthe kicker calls as well as several ill-timed holding calls on the Grayders. These actions afterseveral uncalled 'bows. His offerings were not needed as the Donkeys won easily. The Donkeysreciprocated by having WR Rod Smith ejected. While it looked like Smith was swinging at DTChris Cooper, any football fan knows a WR would never risk breaking his hand on a helmet. Theair punch landed squarely on the jaw of umpire Undry Wash (no joke; his real name!).Nemmerskull then called an offsetting unsportsmanlike penalty on the Faiders and nearly forgotto eject Smith.
Former Grayders head coach and ABC analyst John (Ace Hardware) Madden could scarcelyhide his disappointment, saying he felt the team still has a Super Bowl hangover courtesy of theExpensive Corn Kings whoopin. Ace Hardware went on to say that the absence of DT DanaStubblefield's was immaterial. The Look Man (and anyone who is not a devout Grayders fan)disagrees, citing the play of #91, DT Drake Drayton, who lost containment several times and gotused like tissues at a peep show. The Look Man thinks rather that Oaktown was exposed in theBowl, and absent Jerry (the IceMan) Porter's speedy seam routes, Rich (Loose) Gannon's lackof arm strength is a liability. Further, the presence of C Barrett (The Loon) Robbins is hurtingteam chemistry. Whatever the problem, the Oakies have about 2 weeks to fix it before they getleft in the AFC West dust.
ABC also showed a grating piece on Donkeys Mascot Shannon Sharpe. The Mascot was askedwhether Oaktown LB (and noted cheap shot artist) Bill (Romo) Romanowski injured him onpurpose last season. "Certainly, Romo is Romo. He's on TV more time than Leave it to Beavuhreruns, but I don't think he did it on purpose. He's just a sadist, and you can't hold that againstanyone. Now, let's get back to me... ", said the megalomaniac Mascot.
The Look Man also spotted a couple of unusual items Monday night. First, Mike (The Rat)Shanahan pulled an Al (The Godmother) Davis psyche-out by having the players change fromwhite uniform pants to monochrome blue. After his fineable moves in the Bolts game theprevious week, the Rat is begging for the league to fine him. Not only did he "fail" to bring histeam's light colored jerseys in Saint Don, he lied about the Fake having a concussion rather thana shoulder separation.
The league's response will most certainly come (think James Earl Jones in "Field of Dreams"),but the Football Gods' wrath will be more painful. One does not take on the persona of the otherteam in football. Rather, one outclasses the opponent, making him see the error of his ways.The Look Man predicts a swift reversal for the undefeated Donkeys, perhaps as soon as thisweekend in Detroit. With all of the Motor City DBs busted up, it should be an easy win for theRat, but something tells the Look Man that Mooch & Company may rev up and defeat the mosthated team on the planet. If not this week, then soon, as the Football Gods do not smile uponnonsense in the National...Football...League.
The Week Ahead:
The Battle of Ohio Part 1, the Packers-Bears and KC-Bal'mer games will be just a few of thegreat games ahead. Many will remember that RB Priest Holmes was cut by noted genius (in hisown mind) Brian Billick(goat) in favor of Bam Bam Lewis. Both RBs have gone on to succeedwith their respective teams, but Holmes will likely take it out on the Flintstones in a major way.The Flintstones are a contestant for ESPN's Contender or Pretender series. The Chefs are thereal deal and likely AFC rep for the Big Game in 2004.
In the BOH Part 1, Bakers WR Chad (The Dentist) Johnson said he won't guarantee a victoryover the Browns like he did last year before the 27-20 whoopin. "No guarantees until after the byeweek," said the Veisse Angel. Asked why, he said, "I don't know." He said he meant nothingpersonal last season. "I was just trying to stir things up a little bit," he said. The Bengals were 1-8when he made the guarantee.
HB notified the press that Sofa Boy would be the starter on Thursday in a press conference,stating that KT had failed to prove to him that he's able to "move around, throw, plant, see thedelivery of the ball . . . Kelly's no different than anybody else. They have to be able to perform theduties they're going to have to do on Sunday. His broken leg is the injury du jour of the week."
HB would not speculate whether KT could serve as the backup if he is not able to start. If hecan't, former Oklahoma QB Nate (Can I buy a Vowel) Hybl would have to be promoted from thepractice squad. The Browns cut QB Josh (Loose) Booty last week in a move that irritated theformer LSU 2-sport star. "Where's the loyalty? Where's the love?", said Loose Booty.
Holcomb has a 50-50 chance of playing. Sofa Boy has a 50-50 chance of playing well. CorkyDildo has a 50-50 chance of making it to the end of the contest. In other words, it's a coin flip, andthe Look Man is hoping former referee Phil Luckett isn't doing the flipping. Luckett is bestremembered for failing to hear the Bust call "heads" on an overtime coin toss. The leaguesummarily terminated Luckett.
If you are not playing for Amusement Purposes Only, you might think about taking the Pack overda Bears on MNF. Every team that has unveiled a new stadium has stumbled badly. Since daBears spent $650 million for the new Spaceship Field in the Windy City, expect Kordell (TheCrying Man) Stewart and Company to follow suit. LB Brian (No Brain) Urlacher has beenexposed as a fraud since DT (Big) Ted Washington and LB Ro Colvin left for greener pastures inBeantown. No Brain has been stinking up the joint every since, and his Pro Bowl selections havemore to do with his TV commercials than his talent.
The Philly Iggles and New England Chowds are in must-win situations this week. DonovanMcNabb(sty) hasn't recovered psychologically from his broken leg last season, and the Chowdshave been offering up broken bones like beers at a BoSox game. The 3 Teds, Big Ted, LB Teddy(Lingerie) Bruschi and Ted Johnson, are all on the shelf, and WR David Patten (Leather) isnicked up. Despite good (but not great) coaching, look for both teams to struggle this seasonand perhaps miss the playoffs. The Look Man is still ticked off about Herm (Miracle in theMeadowlands) Edwards getting shafted for Coach of the Year last season, and Bill Bellicosenever met a player he didn't hate. Bellicose underestimated the impact of cutting S Lawyer (TheAttorney) Milloy on the psyche of his team. The move was reminiscent of his release of BernieKosar in Cleveland. Kosar became a martyr and went on to get his ring with the Cowpokes andthe move cost Bellicose his job. Can you say Foreshadowing Effect?
Speaking of broken bones, Daunte (Stuffed) Culpepper has a broken transverse process bone inhis back, and is doubtful this week. This same injury ended Rashad (MJ Jock) Ahmad's careerwith the Vikes, relegating him to performing oral sex on Michael Jordan as an NBA sidelinereporter. Let's hope Stuffed won't suffer the same fate. He would look pretty silly wearing anundersized Allen Iverson jersey. The Viqueens have looked great in 2003. Their D has left theWitness Protection Program it entered during the Enny (no "D") Green era. has shown someexcellent leadership and Randy (Mouth) Moss has put a sock in it.
The 2003 season is rife with players who have gotten big paydays, only to suffer season-endinginjuries. The Look Man asks if this is a trend, or simply the Football Gods showing their sense ofhumor? At any rate, it's simply another reason why the Look Man doesn't believe these fast startsspell disaster for the 1-2 teams out there.
Celebrity Obit:For those of you who wondered whatever became of him, noted actor Gordon Jump passedaway this week at the age of 74. Jump is best remembered for his roles as the Maytag RepairMan and Arthur Carlson of the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati. Jump's classic line, "With God asmy witness, I swear I thought turkeys could fly" is in the Transcendent Humor Hall of Fame. Hewill be missed by his surviving family, fans everywhere and Loni Anderson, with whom he had asecret love child during her marriage to Burt (Maaco) Reynolds. "I always wondered why that kidhad a love affair with kitchen appliances", said Reynolds. "I guess now we know." Andy Travishad no comment on the story.
Out.
LM