Week 4: Butch or Butch Light?

Week Four indicates the first quarter of a 16-game season is in the books. After one quarter, thescores are looking pretty bleak for some teams, while others continue to roll. The Kansas City Chefs sautéed their way to a win, while the Indianapolis Horsies and Twin City Swedes demolished their respective opponents.

On the other side of the coin, the 0-3 Cincinnati Bakers and Philly Iggles franchises decided they had had enough of losing, and polished off their foes. The Aeronauticals, J-squareds, Bolts, and Bears remained winless a quarter of the way through the season. Oh, and by the way, ESPN Analyst Rush Limburger declared that a 3-time Pro Bowler and MVP runner-up was merely a figment of the media's imagination. But more on that last item later. We have a football season to run here, and we can't worry about odoriferous pseudo sports analysts' thinly veiled comments.

SF at MIN There are a couple of surprisingly good teams this season, and one them simply destroyed the Frisco Niners 35-7 on Sunday. This item might not be newsworthy if not for the fact that the Minnesota Swedes did it without their starting QB, RB or TE. With Daunte (Stuffed) Culpepper suffering a broken transverse process last week against the Cadillacs, Head Coach Mike (Fried) Tice and the Vikes turned to journeyman Gus Frerotte (means "little brother" in French) in a relief role. All Little Brother did was guide the Vikings to a 28-0 halftime lead over the Niners at the Dome, en route to a near perfect QB rating of 157.2. For the uninitiated, a 158.3 is a perfect score for a QB. On the other hand, if a QB drops back and drills every pass right into the dirt, a 35 rating can be had.

Frerotte had TD passes of 15, 35 and 22 yards in the first half alone. Further, those passes went to Randy (Mouth) Moss and rookie WR Nate Burleson. Little Bro' threw in a sweet 59-yard bomb to the Mouth in the second half for good measure. Many will remember Frerotte's left handed shot-put attempt against Cleveland last season while a member of the Cincinnati Bakers. The pass was picked off for a touchdown and pretty much sealed Frerotte's fate as a backup to Chief Pastry Chef Jon Pickna. Now Little Bro' throws 4 TDs, and has a 5th called back via penalty.

"Whenever I'm in there, I'm going to be calm. Period. I think the guys feed off that," said Frerotte, who went 16-for-21 without an interception against a speedy San Francisco defense that entered the game second in the NFL in yards allowed with a league-high 13 sacks. "I only get excited when I am wearing an ugly orange and black uniform. And when I get excited, sometimes I throw lefty", said the Frenchman.

Not that the Vikes needed Frerotte to throw even 2 TD's. Their defense kept the Niners off balance all day, stuffing the running back by committee and causing WR Terrell (Ticked Off) Owens to blow up at his QB and Offensive Coordinator Greg (Taking a) Knapp on the sidelines. "They were saying that they didn't think President Bush knew about the leak which exposed CIA operative Valerie Plame. They must be crazy. Everybody knows how much Dubya hated Ambassador Wilson. I refuse to believe that my teammates and coaches are so incredibly naïve", said TO. When asked whether it had anything to do with him not getting the football, Owens replied, "Well, that may have begun the discussion, but in all seriousness, those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. I simply refuse to be a part of a team so lacking in their understanding of current events."

The Swedes now have a great defense to compliment the explosive offense. The D, led by S Corey Chavous, has intercepted 11 balls already this short season. They also lead the league in scoring defense, which is nothing to sneeze at. Head Coach Fried Tice deserves a lot of the credit for reshaping the team. More credit probably should go to their caponomist; cap room makes geniuses of us all, and the Vikes led the league in cap room at the end of 2002. They also went out and picked up some nice players, including rookies WR Burleson, DB Brian Russell, and RB (Lake) Onterrio Smith.

With the Mouth catching TDs at a prolific rate again, a proven backup QB to spell Stuffedpepper, and a defense that can actually stop someone, the Vikes are a team to be reckoned with in 2003. The NFC Norse may have finally gotten the shakeup it needs to retire Brett Favre and the Cheeseheads.

KC at STD-more: Another team that shows some serious promise is the Kansas City Baby Backs. Dick (the Crying Man) Vermeil notched win number 100 against the Flintstones on the road in Bedrock last Sunday. The game featured the return of RB Priest Holmes vs. the team that let him go via free agency, having discovered star RB Jamal (Bam Bam) Lewis. Both backs had decent days, but the game went down to the wire in a defensive struggle.

The Flintstones tied it up 10-10 on a Bam Bam TD dive late in the game. The momentum swing looked to be all Bal'mer until the Flintstones were offside on the ensuing kickoff. The Baby Backs KR Dante (Let's Make a Deal) Hall decided to take Door Number Six, and their second kick to the House on a sweet return left. The emotion swung back to the Chefs, the defense held against the one-dimensional Ravens offense and a good cry was ensured by the Crying Man. "These men...make me so...damn happy", said a tearful Vermeil. "One hundred wins is big. But beating that pompous @ss Brian Billick just makes me really excited. Not to mention that they can't call me `Ick" Vermeil anymore. We got our `D' back, baby!"

KC looks like the class of the AFC, averaging nearly 30 points per game. Despite the relatively low score in this one, Let's Make a Deal has scored on a kick return in 3 straight games, tying the NFL record. With the Donkeys looming large in the next game, the Look Man is rooting for Hall to make it a record 4 straight, and send the undefeated (and overrated) Donkeys into second place in the AFC West.

DET @ DEN: Speaking of the Donkeys, The Look Man forecasted a struggle against the Detroit Cadillacs, and it certainly materialized. Joey Harrington and the Motor City Mayhem Men punished a Clinton Portis-less Donkey squad, and ended up beating the spread. Unfortunately, some of the Donkey team was wearing black and white jerseys for the game, including Referee Tom (Snow) White. Of course with Head Coach Mike Shanahan's shenanigans, no one ever really knows what color uniforms the Donkeys will be wearing from minute to minute.

At any rate, Snow White gets the Zebra of the Week award for disregarding Donkey O-lineman doing the dosey-do with Motor City D-lineman who got too close to Jake (The Fake) Plummer. Snow White had the audacity to make a chop block call on Detroit despite the fact that Denver has virtually turned that block into an art form. In point of fact, the rule was implemented in response to injuries among AFC West opponents of Denver. Harrington got so rattled by the bad officiating that he missed several easy opportunities to win the game. Either that or he hurt his hand banging the piano at a Portland fundraiser earlier in the week. At any rate, Snow White easily earns the award over Ron Winters in the Bungals-Browns.

CIN at CLE: The Battle of Ohio Part 1 was being set up as a cakewalk for Cleveland. If you read LMR Week 3, however, you knew that the Browns were primed for a rolling pin upside the head from the Cincinnati Bakers. The Browns, having played a very physical ball game against the Niners, were looking ahead to the Stillers the week after the BOH. Further, the Browns have struggled in their new stadium, going only 8-11 in the Dawg Pound since their return to the league. Tack on the loss of starting QB Kelly (Tires) Holcomb to a broken leg, and Marvin Lewis and the Bakers were perfectly positioned for an upset.

Instead, on the second offensive play, Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch throws a slip screen pass to WR Quincy (Adams) Morgan for a 71-yard TD. Sofa Boy followed that up with an answer to the Bungals long TD drive, putting the Browns up 14-7 with 20 seconds left in the first half. Butch Hurricane Boy Davis decided against using the prevent defense that cost him a win last year in Pittsburgh, deciding instead on a bizarre scheme that matched WR Chad (The Dentist) Johnson with not one but 2 safeties. The Dentist burned both as Jon Pickna delivered a perfect 55-yard strike against type. "The fans down in the Dawg Pound threw French fries at me. I started to pick them up and eat them, but they are very bad for your dental health", said Johnson. The momentum went to the Bakers as they entered the half improbably tied at 14.

Bungals RB Corey (Marshall) Dillon aggravated the boo-boo on his groin and could not return after the half. No problem, as backup RB Rudi Johnson rumbled over the Barking Dawg D. When the Toothless Tigers scored to go up 21-14, it was more than Sofa Boy could handle.

The Tigers started blitzing from the moment they got off the bus, and the cumulative effect of the hits began to take its toll on the Furniture Kid in the second half. The Look Man saw one pass that was thrown falling away from the line of scrimmage and writes "game over" in his notebook. It didn't help that Referee Ron (Long Cold) Winter allowed holding and pass interference at will.

The final stats for Couch were decent as he ended with 2 TDs, 280 yards passing and 1 INT. Since there is no real way to simulate getting hit while riding the bench, one cannot reasonably expect much more. Of course, those hits were just a small sample of what the Lachrymose Lobber can expect next week at the confluence of the Ohio and Allegheny Rivers. The Look Man can only hope the defense rises to the occasion. Otherwise the Browns will find themselves in a battle for the basement with the Bakers. Instead of the Battle of Ohio Part 2 on December 28, it might be more of The Battle of Shaker Heights.

Celeb Obit There were 2 worthy candidates for the obit this week. Hollywood director Elia Kazan and tennis star Althea Gibson both went across the River Styx. The Look Man was really torn on whom was deserving.

Kazan was made famous for his direction of Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront and A Streetcar Named Desire. He later went on to participate in the McCarthy communism witchhunt, where he named names, and ratted out several Hollywood stars, including Cliff Robertson. Robertson had difficulty getting any job in Hollywood following his outing by Kazan, despite his talent. He later played Jack Kennedy in PT 109 and most recently, Uncle Ben in the Spiderman franchise. Kazan, meanwhile, disappeared into anonymity until his lifetime achievement Oscar a few years ago. This controversy was satirized in a Seinfeld episode where Elaine Benes was unable to get Chinese takeout after being blacklisted. Kazan was not mentioned by name in the episode due to executive producer Larry David not wanting to name names.

Kazan's spotted career pales by comparison to tennis great and civil rights activist Althea Gibson. Ms. Gibson was born August 25, 1927 in Silver, SC, and raised in Harlem. She later went to high school in Wilmington, NC, where she learned the game of tennis, earning a tennis and basketball scholarship to Florida A&M.

Ms. Gibson learned tennis from a one-armed player named Fred Johnson. Her travels were sponsored by boxing champion Sugar Ray Robinson in her early years and she would go on to become a two time world tennis champion. She broke the color barrier at Wimbledon, and in so doing, made major contributions to the civil rights movement in the US. Here are but a few of her achievements:

• 1951 - broke racial barrier in Wimbledon
• won 11 major titles including the 1956 French Open and the 1957 US Open
• honored by a NY ticker-tape parade after winning the 1957 Wimbledon championship
• Women Athlete of the Year 1957 & 1958
• retired after her 1958 Wimbledon AND US titles due to lack of prize money and competition
• 1962 became the first black on the LPGA tour

These achievements may seem minor by today's standards, but it is noteworthy that she achieved these things at a time when the US still had separate facilities for people of color. Even Venus and Serena Williams have not exhibited this kind of dominance. "She wasn't really that good", said former ESPN analyst Rush Limburger. "The media was desirous of a black tennis player at that time. Hell, I could hit a golf ball farther than she could. In my humble opinion, it was all part of a great Left Wing conspiracy to give blacks equal opportunity in sports ", said Limburger. Limburger followed up his comments by swilling bourbon and downing 3 or 4 Oxycontin tabs.

Ms. Gibson went on to become a longtime friend of former NY mayor David Dinkins, and counted Billy Jean King, Zina Garrison and Martina Navratilova among her friends. Martina credits Ms. Gibson's support for giving her the strength and motivation to come out of the closet.

At the ripe age of 58, Ms. Gibson played in a touch football game in Washington DC. During the game she took a snap from center, faded back and threw a perfect spiral to a receiver 35 yards downfield. "I'm a little rusty, but I can still chuck it", said the multi-talented Gibson. Her incredible athleticism was only surpassed by her quiet determination. Bakers QB Jon Pickna credits Gibson with stoking his desire to play professional football. "Man, if I could throw a spiral like that, I might actually be a starter in this league someday", said Pickna. When reminded that he was a Caucasian in a position dominated by white folks, Pickna would say only, "Yes, but I am an evangelical Christian, and you remember how we were treated back in Roman times."

While Ms. Gibson had no children of her own, her progeny include all of the black female tennis players, including Garrison and the Williams sisters. Her strength of will and stout character were indomitable and she was a credit to her race and to humanity. She will be greatly missed.

Looking Ahead

Week 5 promises to be an interesting study in contrasts, with the theme being similar to the movie Cocoon: The Return. Wilford Brimley won't be featured, but several former players and coaches will be visiting their old stomping grounds in the hopes of rejuvenation. To wit:

PHX at DAL: The NFL Rushing Leader Emmitt (Catch 22) Smith returns to Texas Stadium as a DeadBird. The Cowpokes have looked good in the first few weeks of 2003, featuring QB Quincy Carter and a solid offense to go with a good defense. Catch 22 is not exactly tearing up the league in the backfield with Jeff (Shake N) Blake, but this game should be entertaining nonetheless.

IND @ TB: Horsies Coach Tony Dungy returns to the Big Sombrero against the team that unceremoniously sent him packing 1 year before winning a championship. Now Dungy takes a star turn in the ABC series Aliaswhere he will play Sydney Bristow, an agent for SD-6, a top-secret division of the CIA. ("It's 2 years later and Jennifer Garner is back, and she's now black! Don't miss the series premier this week on ABC!") At any rate, it will be interesting to see if the high scoring Horsies can beat Chucky and the Expensive Corn Kings. Look for Peyton (Archie's Boy) Manning to hand the ball off a lot in order for the Colts to get a "W". One doesn't beat the East Coast Pirates with the pass. The run is the most effective weapon, and since Archie's Boy is no Donovan McNabb(sty), look for the running backs to carry the load.

DEN @ KC: Dante (Let's Make a Deal) Hall goes for 4 straight kick returns for TDs this week in a pivotal AFC West matchup. Both teams are undefeated, so it's a Highlander special. The Look Man sees Jake the Fake being exposed by a surprisingly good Baby Backs defense. Vegas odds on the Donkeys bringing the right uniform color is 3:2 in favor.

DET @ SF: Steve (Mooch) Mariucci returns to Candlestink with his Secondhand Lions vs. the Frisco Golddiggers. After the big blowup in Minnesota, no one knows which Golddiggers team will show up. Paper Lions QB Joey (Blake) Harrington has a boo-boo on his throwing shoulder so this will be a good road test for the Men from the Motor City. Mooch wants this in a bad way and Erickson needs a "W" to avoid losing what little control he has on the Niners.

CLE @ PGH: The Browns return to the Burgh, where they were last seen snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in the AFC Wild Card game. Sofa Boy has been named the starter, but after going 0-5 against the Stillers, Butch Davis feels like the castaway in the Bud Light commercial. Butchie is likely to ring Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher's doorbell and punch him in the face while saying, "Bill Cowher of 12 Maple Lane? Nice to meetcha."

The Stillers have returned to Earth with Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox doing his best Jon Pickna impression. TDDABK has thrown 11 interceptions going back to late 2002, and the locals are starting to wonder whether he is part of a media conspiracy to pump up handicapped QB's who look through their earholes. This after the previous media conspiracy involving Kordell Stewart, who was replaced by TDDABK after leading the Stillers to the AFC Championship.

At any rate, TDDABK threw 2 picks that resulted in TD's for the TN Thumbtacks last week. The 'Tacks tenderized the Stillers with physical D, and an efficient offense. Despite dominating the time of possession, the Tissue Paper Curtain got pounded 30-13 at Ketchup Field. They will have blood in their eyes this week; or maybe just condiments.

CIN at BUF: The Bungals South head to Crapchester to play the Bungals North. Buffalo features former Bakers head coach Ick LeBeau(nhead), D-line coach Tim Krumrie, and LB Takeo (means "pizza" in Chinese) Spikes. Spikes has been vocal about his free agent move from the Bakers, so this should be a grudge match. Bills QB Drew Bledsoe also passed on the chance to lead the Bakers, who subsequently installed All-Pro Jon Pickna instead. Bledsoe has looked like Pickna at times with numerous turnovers baked up at inopportune times. Buffalo also has 3 former head coaches on its staff, while the Bakers have several future head coaches on its. Look for a hilarious battle for turnover supremacy.

Miscellaneous:

Several NFL coaches are on the hot seat including Marty Schottenheimer, Gregg Williams of Buffalo, Jim (Lemon Top) Haslett of NO, and Dennis (Can You Hear Me Now) Erickson of SF. The Oaktown Grayders are back in black, after beating Marty's boys in an exciting overtime finish. It was a reverse Pirates of the Caribbean as the light struck the aging players in sunny Oaktown, changing the darkness-challenged Grayders into winners. Marty may have lost the team and the game after squandering 187 rushing yards by LeDamian Tomlinson. ---------- There seems to be a trend among QBs in the league who have no long term contracts to simply throw the ball away instead of stepping up to the deliver under pressure. Tim Couch, Kelly Holcomb and TDDABK all looked pedestrian in games where 1 play could make the difference.

Each has thrown the ball falling away, or not stepping into throws to avoid injury and obtain a big payday next season. The Look Man hopes this is not a trend, but as we all know, this IS a business. And since paydays in the NFL are not guaranteed, one can only get paid if one can play.

Editorial: Rush Limburger's comments on ESPN Countdown regarding Iggles QB Donovan McNabb(sty) were simply unbelievable. How anyone could assail the qualifications of a 3-time Pro Bowler and MVP runner up is ludicrous. McNabbsty also had his best game as a pro last season while playing with a broken leg. He routinely accounts for 60% of the Iggles offense. Saying McNabbsty is "...not that good..." actually defies reason. Absent any logical motivation, one has to believe that either the man is a loon, or he has other motivations.

The question is not whether McNabb is overrated. The Look Man would take him in a heartbeat over the first guy taken in 1999 (a piece of furniture who shall remain nameless until such time as he defeats the Stillers). His impact on the team goes well beyond statistics. He wills them to win, with a decent running game and substandard WRs, while luring free agent defenders in search of a championship ring. Just ask anyone who witnessed his 40-yard sprint in the NFC Championship. If anything, his troubles this year stem from physical and psychological damage from his ankle injury in 2002. He has single-handedly turned that team around since going there in '99. While Philly Fan booed him in the NFL Draft, the Look Man was crying because Cleveland took a piece of furniture over a winning athlete who has changed the nature of the position in the NFL.

Limburger points to a media conspiracy to serve social goals. Since the NFL's race record on hiring in the front office is nothing short of poor, it is difficult to understand how such a conspiracy could even exist. It obviously hasn't had the desired effect if it does. This latest comment, when taken with other Limburger jibes, indicates a pattern. Not only did Limburger utter the words "...take the bone out of your nose..." to one African American caller, he has routinely made unflattering comments of a racial nature. The real question in the Look Man's mind is what was ESPN thinking when they hired this goof? ESPN is largely patronized by African Americans, and Limburger is a loose cannon. While it was reported that the Cheese Man resigned, one must question how the marriage could have lasted after this gaffe.

Limburger followed up his comments on Countdown on his radio show, saying "...this tempest must only mean that I was right about something." He then cited other media conspiracies, including the Holocaust and the assassination of Martin Luther King. Limburger believes that King is actually living in Hawaii, and working as the manager of a fast food restaurant.

The media has followed up with its own attacks on the Big Cheese, revealing that he is under investigation for illegal prescription drug use and has fathered a child out of wedlock. While the latter is not a crime, these items do tend to cast aspersions on Limburger's character. The Look Man believes that Limburger only resigned from ESPN in order to avoid wars on multiple fronts. He will be fighting for his professional life long after the echoes of his unfortunate comments fade from ESPN. Of course his Ditto Nation may simply turn Rush into a martyr, battling against a vast Left Wing conspiracy to deprive them of his godlike mutterings.

Out.

LM