Week 5: Animal House

The first quarter is over, and the second quarter has begun. This week's theme of Cocoon: The Return, was borne out by several incredible games in which In the sequel to Cocoon, the senior citizens who went with the aliens to Planet Antarea, return to Earth. In the NFL Week 5, teams, players, and coaches returned to the scene of former greatness or catastrophe. This week's sequel starred Tony Dungy as Hume Cronyn, Mike (The Walrus) Holmgren as Wilford Brimley, and Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch as Steve Guttenberg. Chicago's new Soldier Field stands in as the spaceship, for obvious reasons. In this version, though, instead of the old fogies finding themselves homesick, and looking to protect their cocoons on Earth, these coaches and players were attempting to prove their worth. In the case of Guttenberg, he was simply happy to get some interplanetary strange. Of course the metaphor extends to the Sofa Boy, who found himself having relations with the Blitzburgh defensive backs on national TV, albeit non- consensual.

Like many sequels, this version may actually be better than the original, with the instant classic Horsies-Expensive Corn Kings matchup, Browns-Stillers whoopin', and Crapchester-Bungals battles. On the two thumbs down side, however, were the unsuccessful returns of Emmitt to Big D, The Walrus Goes to Cheesetown, and the Moochmeister by the Bay. All in all, it was a thrilling weekend of NFL action that went all the way into Tuesday morning. Without delay, here's your week in review:

Bungals @ Bills: On a windy and raw day in Crapchester, the fresh-off-an-October-road-win Bungals looked like a team on the rise. QB Jon Pickna had big play success against a Cleveland defense that should have known better, and he was facing a Bills team that has underachieved in 2003. The Bills have become Bungals North, with the additions of former Cincinnati "talent" Takeo (means "fancy dancer" in Chinese) Spikes, coach Tim Krumrie and former head coach Dick LeBeaunhead. Further, the doppelganger Bungals had losses in the 2 previous weeks, as well as a badly injured starting RB. Despite losing RB Corey (Marshall) Dillon to a groin, things looked promising for Bungals head Coach Marvin Jerry Lewis.

After Fancy Dancer was introduced last, he did his interpretive dance for the hometown crowd. The first half was uneventful with the trading of field goals on a windy field that barely allowed passing. There were a few good hits, some defensive stuffs, and Jon Pickna baking up a turnover when a Buffalo player hit his arm in mid throw. Essentially, the team that had the wind advantage could pass and punt. The other team had to wait for the quarter change to get its turn.

Suffice it to say that Fancy Dancer had his way with the 'Girls, en route to 10 tackles, and Bengirls' CB Jeff Burris suffered his 3rd neck injury in nine days when he was run over by a truck

by the name of Sam Gash. The first was from driving into a wall on the interstate. The second occurred while knocking Cleveland RB William (Red) Green out with a helmet to helmet hit. Burris had better be careful, or he will be playing the home version of the NFL game alongside Bill Romanowski. And Romo likes to spit on opponents.

During the 12 minutes that Burris laid on the cold ground, both teams had an opportunity to drink hot cocoa and talk about the offseason. Someone asked Burris if he was frightened by the hit. "Very," he said. "You don't play around with your neck. You can have knee injuries or other injuries. But you don't want to mess with your neck. Just ask that lion tamer in Vegas about that." When informed that Roy Horn actually worked with rare white Bengal tigers, Burris was confused. "Everyone knows Bengals are harmless. What do you mean they have teeth?"

Drew Bledsoe broke up the shivering mediocrity with a late score to tie the game with 28 ticks left on the clock. The Bungals South decided to donate their timeouts to charity and take a knee

instead of playing to win. As most LMR readers will tell you, whenever Bungals QB Jon Pickna gets ready to bake up a turnover, one can almost hear his theme song from the Magnificent Seven. Apparently, Pickna sees himself as sort of a Yul Brenner look alike, except with slightly more hair. Jerry Lewis' concern was that the stadium announcer had the theme song all queued up, and with Pickna at the helm, one never knows. At any rate, the Bakers won the overtime coin toss and elected to receive, giving the Bills the wind direction call.

After a three and out featuring Pickna throwing to a receiver named AstroTurf on third down, the Toothless Tigers were forced to punt. Bledsoe responded by driving down the field with the wind, and eschewing the FG for a sure thing. Crapchester RB (Andy) Travis Henry scored the TD, and sent everyone to the Anchor Bar for a round of Buffalo Wings and weck.

The Bungals are left leading the league in moral victories, and bristled at the comments about a good performance. "We didn't come here for a pat on the back", said Pickna. "I have a fifteen- pick minimum in my contract. Now I will never get that bonus."

After gift-wrapping the victory for Crapchester, Jerry Lewis went out of his way, jogging about 25 yards, to shake Spikes' hand. "He kind of surprised me," Spikes said of Lewis. "I know he doesn't dislike me. We never had any dislikes. He wished me good luck in my dancing career. I understand he is really big in France and he thought I could maybe try out for something called La Cage Aux Folles."

The Bengirls next face a team called "Bye" and the oddsmakers have installed Bye as a prohibitive favorite.

Cards @ Cowpokes: Emmitt (10-10-220) Smith returned to Dallas with a hideous Redbird outfit. Safety Roy Williams told 10-10-220 to call back at another time, and proceeded to break his scapula for the trouble. As a result Emmitt won't be running for quite some time.

The Cowpokes D was inspired and stuffed Emmitt for negative yardage for the first time in his career. They also stuffed Jeff (shake n) Blake, a noted Cowboy Killer, for not one but two safeties. A tearful Emmitt left the game early and was still sobbing afterwards. "My daughter doesn't care if I get 3 touchdowns, 100 yards rushing, or a new contract for a long distance carrier. She just wants to see her daddy with his spatula attached. Now how am I supposed to flip her pancakes?" asked Smith, while doing his best Dick Vermeil impression.

The Look Man will admit when he is wrong, and he may have to do just that in a few weeks. If the Tuner ( a shout out to the Red Sox Nation) can continue to get this kind of efficient offense out of Quincy (Klugman) Carter and the rest of the Starheads, they will be a force to be reckoned with. All Klugman and Company have done is lead the NFL in offense after 5 weeks. Could we be looking at the G-Men of the Oughts? Stay tuned and check out the attached URL for more on Klugman, who is set to prove to the banged up Iggles secondary next week that his arm is scatological no more.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=pasquarelli_len&id=1631319

Donkeys @ KC Baby Backs: The Battle of the Unbeatens had less of a sequel theme than many of the other weekend struggles. Baby Back Defensive Coordinator Greg Robinson held the same position with the Donkeys before Mike (The Rat) Shanahan sent him packing. Nonetheless, a battle for supremacy in the AFC West was major, as well as the attempt by Donkey QB Jake (the Fake) Plummer to prove that he was the genuine article.

The game was a real barnburner, with The Rat pulling out his usual compliment of bizarre plays. He struck first with a reverse option pass by WR Rod Smith to Clinton Portis that nearly went the distance. QB Trent Green answered with a sweet pass under duress to TE Tony (Speedy)

Gonzalez in the end zone. The game went back and forth with brutal hits and big offensive plays for most of the afternoon.

At that point, the Chefs decided to unveil their not-so Secret Weapon Dante (Let's Make a Deal) Hall. The Rat made the unfortunate coaching decision to punt to LMAD in an attempt to pin him deep in his own territory and stymie the Chefs offense, which wasn't sautéing up too many points. LMAD responded with an incredible 93-yard return which left Donkey jock straps laying all over the field. Despite an ill-advised (for non-game show hosts) catch inside the 10-yard line, LMAD juked would be Donkey tacklers before reversing his field twice, and taking it to the House. Stillers Fan Randy Young quibbled over an apparent clip/block in the back by one of LMAD's teammates which went uncalled. "That guy, number 44, blocked that dude right in the back. Did y'uns see that?", said Young. "Ya gotta call that!" It probably was a clip, but the Chefs served mountain oysters right on the field of play, courtesy of the jockless Donkey players.

Despite the apparent lack of eyesight by the zebras, LMAD is on pace for a record 16 TD kick returns on the year. But only if numbskulls like the Rat keep kicking to him. LMAD also bolstered his case for an MVP nomination with the return, showing skills unseen this side of Barry Sanders in the process. The Look Man is really enjoying the show, and hoping for some Carol Merrill look alikes to appear before each LMAD return.

Over the years, LMAD purists have done numerous mathematical models to determine the probabilities inherent in the door selection process, but the Look Man has established a relationship to a coaches decision to punt it to Hall and the likelihood of a termination letter appearing on his desk shortly thereafter. As indicated previously, the Baby Backs are the class of the AFC, and look to really burn the tossed salad when RB Priest Holmes gets healthy and the offense gears up.

At any rate, the Look Man loves any team that dumps the Donkeys.

Browns @ Stillers: The last time the Stillers played the Browns, Kelly (Tires) Holcomb torched the Blitzburgh secondary for 429 yards and a near wild card victory. Afterwards, some members of their defense said they preferred to face Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch. "Couch never torched us like Holcomb did," Stillers linebacker Joey Porter (Paints) said. "In fact we can usually rip his cushions off at will. It's like that old sofa in your basement, you know the one that used to be good enough for the living room, but now it's tattered and has pet stains on it."

So it was inevitable that the Black & Gold got their wish on the nationally televised Sunday Nighter on ESPN. Sofa Boy responded by torching of the Tissue Paper Curtain, completing 16 of 17 for 169 and two TDs - - - in the FIRST HALF. It was almost as if the Doddering Davenport was attempting to reclaim his real appellation from the Look Man. Other than an intentional throw out of the back of the end zone when his receivers were covered, Sofa was perfect. One almost had to wonder if he had signed a deal with Old Nick, because he certainly had heart, miles and miles of it.

The Browns were mighty impressive in this game at Ketchup Field, scoring seemingly at will. They were also aided by QB Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox. TDDABK had entered the game as the AFC passing leader, and left the game on the bench, replaced by Chaz Batch. Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher had not exactly given him a ringing endorsement during the weekly press conference, saying,"He's made some good plays, and he's made some bad plays. It seems that the bad plays have often resulted in touchdowns for the other team. We have to keep our turnovers to a minimum if we want to win games. This ain't Pinball, you know."

Iron Chin's comments proved prescient as TDDABK gave up a 75-yard touchdown on a Daylon McCutcheon interception. The Browns had obviously reviewed film that showed that even a Pinball Wizard gets nervous when he gets hit. The blitz came on a third down and one as the

Barking Dawg D anticipated a pass. McCutcheon, in a soft zone coverage, stepped in front of TE Jerame (not one but) Tuman, and went to the House untouched.

The Browns defense played great, including a strip sack in the first quarter by the eponymous Courtney (Quiet Storm) Brown on TDDABK, and the aforementioned pick. They stuffed the Stiller running game, holding them to just 1-of-11 in third down conversion opportunities, and forcing them to pass in the second half in order to overcome the substantial lead. It seems that the Dawg Defense shows up every other week, and this was the unfortunate week for the Stillers. The D- line bared their gleaming canine teeth and came away with their pound of TDDABK flesh and a number seven ranking in total defense. After giving up 3 bills rushing in one game, that's not too shabby.

The offense, meanwhile, began to show an effective running game with William (Red) Green. Red Green actually showed some heart as well, presumably using the handyman's superweapon to avoid his usual first quarter fumble. "Up here at Possum Lodge, we use duct tape for almost everything", said Red. "I figured out a way to use it on my jersey, and it makes the ball stay in there. Like I always tell coach Davis, if they don't find you handsome, at least they'll find you handy."

The Browns went into the game with a ramshackle offensive line, including injured offensive tackle (Carl) Barry Stokes. They finished with a QB passer rating of 111.3 and 115 rushing yards on 33 Red Green carries. No Browns rusher has had 33 carries since 1964, the last year of the legendary Jim Brown's career. The Browns were efficient as well despite the loud crowd, being penalized just twice for 10 yards. The only down note was the loss of WR (James) Quincy Morgan to a sprained knee.

Afterwards, the Lachrymose Lobber was all smiles, praising each member of the offense and gaining his first game ball in a long time. "The biggest thing against these guys is picking up the blitzes," Couch said. "They do a lot of confusing stuff. They're bringing [rushers] from all over the field. You have to get them blocked up and then you can have your opportunity to go down the field. Plus, I used this special tongue oil polish this week and it seems to really make my cushions soft. Did you see the TD run?"

Reporters attempted to interview Porter Paints after the game, but he left the losers locker room faster than he moved at that Denver nightclub a few months ago after catching a bullet in his gluteus maximus. Like the Look Man's grandfather used to say, "A hard head makes a soft rump." Porter Paint has a pretty tender rump right now and he can now add furniture polish to his list of allergies along with lead. His teammate, safety Mike Logan('s Run) praised Couch. "He played really well," Logan said. "He's competing for the starting job, so you knew he would come out gunning, and he did. He kept making plays and he has very ornate upholstery. I would give anything to have contemporary appointments like those at my crib."

So the Browns are now 2-3 overall, avoiding an 0-3 AFC North Division record with the win. They now face the Grayders in Cleveland, where they have fared poorly. Head Coach Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis is leaning towards starting the Furniture Kid over Kelly Tires in the matchup. After stating that Tires had a "tiny" fracture in his leg, Hurricane Boy now states that Sofa Boy will start until Holcomb is completely healthy, setting the stage for yet another QB change. Stayed tuned on the same Butch Time, same Butch Channel, for the outcome.

Horsies @ Expensive Corn Kings: The undefeated Colts galloped into central Florida in a fitting homecoming for Horsies Head Coach Tony (Hume Cronyn) Dungy on Monday Night Football. It has been 2 years since the East Coast Pirates' unceremonious termination of Hume, en route to their first Super Bowl win. Not only did Hume rescue the Corn Kings from years of Bungaldom futility, new coach Jon (Chucky) Gruden pulled the car in the garage after he drove the journey of 1000 miles. The

sellout crowd (in more ways than one) gave a polite ovation to the winningest coach in Pirate history.

So the game had a perfect setup. Revenge, hubris, respect had all set the table. Peyton (Archie's Po' Boy) Manning was coming off an incredible 6 touchdown performance in the Crescent City, while RB Edgerrin James was questionable for the prime time battle. MNF did a nice Shakespearean intro featuring School of Rock's Jack Black to induce viewers from watching the ALDS over on a competing network. Those of you who decided to go to bed early missed an instant classic of Elizabethan proportions.

Hume was hoping to celebrate this 84th birthday in style with a W, but the Pirates had other ideas.

The Corn Kings jumped out to a 14-0 zip lead on the strength of 2 touchdowns by WR Keenan (Ivory) McCardell. The first on a (Bad) Brad Johnson bomb was followed by a weird INT/fumble by Colts S Mike Doss that bounced up to Ivory on his way to the endzone at Ray Jay. The shell- shocked Horsies gave up several more scores including a TD to Ronde (Barber of Seville), that seemed to ice the contest. The only thing that maintained the Look Man's interest were the thundering hooves of the Charms' defense, which was issuing some nasty shots to the talkative Pirates. Tampa RBs Michael (SUV) Pittman, Aaron (Staff of Moses) Stecker, and Mike (You're in Good Hands With) Alstott all had to excuse themselves from the contest on account of pain, along with noted bigmouth Keyshawn Johnson. This after Key told the viewing audience how he would outperform the Colts Marvin (Popeye) Harrison. Actually, Key did outperform the hotdog vendor, but that was about all. Perhaps Key would be a good candidate for the new Levitra commercials.

For the uninitiated, Levitra is a performance-enhancing drug competing with Viagra. The commercials feature a guy attempting to throw a football through a tire hanging on a rope. He fails, with the ball bouncing harmlessly away, until he takes Levitra. He then proceeds to drill the tire repeatedly in an interesting metaphor. He is then joined by his spouse for a game of "catch." Classic TV, to be sure.

Where were we anyway? Oh, meanwhile, back on Monday night, the hits were just as hard over in the Major League Baseball Division series. Damien (The Omen) Jackson decleated BoSox teammate and mullet magnate Johnny (Encino Man) Damon, on a fly ball, knocking them both out cold. A heads up throw by the late arriving Mia Hamm fiancé Nomah Gahciaparrah forced the runner at second, and the umpire didn't call a personal foul on the play. The mix-up put Encino Man in the hospital with a concussion, but not before he gave the obligatory thumbs-up signal while being carted off on a stretcher. The Omen then went over to the partisan A's crowd and offered to get into a rumble with a fan. "You want some o' this? Cause I got a few more head butts left in me if you want them," said the Antichrist. The fan, seeing the Hasim Rahman- sized knot on Damien's bald dome, declined the invitation. The Look Man is sending a letter to MLB suggesting the addition of facemasks and batting helmets in the field after the rash of baseball collisions in the playoffs.

At halftime, Monday Night on the Mic "featured" Tampa K Martin(a) Grammatica teaming up with Carlos Santana. Now the Look Man would much rather see Beyonce with Carlos, due in no small part to Martina setting singing back about 100 years. Not to mention that the fact that he nearly tore his ACL hitting some of the high notes. This MNF feature may be responsible for the poor ratings and needs to go away quickly, before we see the promo, "Be sure to tune in next week, when Monday Night on the Mic features HBO Hard Knocks Reunion Tour of Richmond Flowers and Chad (Starsky) Hutchinson!"

The second half was pretty much more of the same domination, but Po' Boy wasn't quite done, and the Lucky Charms whinnied in the 4th quarter, knocking numerous Pirates from the contest.

The biggest blow might have been CB Brian (Machine Gun) Kelly, whose replacement allowed Popeye to trample him repeatedly in the final stanza. For some reason the Tampa vaunted Cover 2 turned into Cover None, as Po' Boy went Levitra, connecting at will with his wideouts.

The Charms scored an unprecedented 28 fourth quarter points against the best defense in football, causing numerous undisciplined unsportsmanlike penalties by Johnnie Grier and His Band of Zebras.

K Mike (Yacht Boy) Vanderjagt came in for the winning 39 yard FG prior to throwing back a few pops. Unfortunately, Yacht Boy didn't spend enough time drying out before the kick, and missed the game winner. Only a bizarre leaping penalty call on DE Simeon Rice by the Umpire allowed the Horsies to win the game with a 29 yard chip shot that was partially blocked by the Pirates.

Anyone who saw Manning in the previous week against the New Orleans Icons saw him eclipse Phil Simms for the greatest single QB performance ever (see also the Super Bowl XIX, G-Men vs. Donkeys). He followed up this incredible show by throwing for 386 yards against the vaunted Corn Kings D. But it was a total team effort including Brad Pyatt(kowski)'s 90-yard kick return, an incredibly creative onside kick by Yacht Boy, which was recovered by safety Idrees Bashir, or Po' Boy's 52-yard frozen rope to Popeye against a replacement corner who looked like he had never seen a 'go' route. It was a thing of beauty.

Now, the Look Man knows that most of you went to bed and missed this Titanic Struggle. But he learned in last year's epic battle between the Horsies and Donkeys that nobody circles the whiskey bottles like Yacht Boy. If this liquored-up Canuck is playing in a game, make sure to stay up and watch it.

The 5-0 Colts have the dangerous Black Cats team next week. Look for the Schottenheimer Rule to be in effect as the physical and emotional pounding tenderizes up the horsemeat. With a 2-game lead over the Thumbtacks, an NFC loss isn't the end of the world for the Horsies. And the Peyton neigh-sayers will now have to shut their collective pieholes after Monday night.

Miscellaneous: The Confederate Black Cats look to be legitimate, especially with the RB Stephen Davis averaging a buck-fifty in rushing each week. Free agent acquisition QB Jake Delhomme augments a defense that won't quit, so look for the Black Cats to rip the throats out of its NFC South opponents en route to the playoffs in 2003. If you missed it, former XFLer Rod "He Hate Me" Smart went yard, with a 100-yard kickoff return for a touchdown in the win, and followed by making the tackle on the ensuing kickoff. No wonder they hate him. In fact, RB Stephen Davis says that they actual call the man "He Hate Me" instead of his real name. Cool.

Next up for the Cats is the Indy Horsies, fresh off a physical matchup with the East Coast Pirates. The Look Man expects a let down by the Horsies, even though they are too legit to quit for the season.

The Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks took on the Chowds in a wicked good game at Gillette last Sunday, with the Chowds winning 38-30 in a close shave. Chowds Coach Bill Bellicose really pulled out some serious coaching, employing reserves DT Dan Klecko and RB Mike (Silver Lining) Cloud to get the W. Steve (Air) McNair contributed by throwing a TD to the red, silver and blue clad Soup Crew, but the bigger problem was the loss of CB Samari (Esther) Rolle. Esther had less than "good times" as he dislocated his elbow, allowing Chowd QB Greg Brady to carve the 'Tacks. At any rate, a Boston team that has been devastated by injuries played with a lot of determination and could climb back into the playoff hunt in the AFC Least.

Jynts TE Jeremy Shockey (the World) had 11 catches for 110 yards, but the effort went for naught as Ricky (Rasta) Williams and the Miami Marine Mammals took out the G-Men. It seems that the Mammals had to win the game efficiently in order to make it back to South Beach before sundown and Yom Kippur. Many of the Jynt Faithful must have had the same concerns, as they left shortly after halftime, ticking off STW.

The Dallas Cowpokes punished Emmitt Holyfield in his return to DFW, and probably ended his career. If you saw the hits he took in that game, and his tearful postgame interview, you may believe, like the Look Man, that it is time for him to hang up the phone.

After several games, it is time to think about the Rookie of the Year award. Nate Burleson (MN), Nick Barnett (GB), Terrell Suggs (B-more) and Anquan Bolden (PHX) have all looked outstanding at times. The Look Man is leaning toward Nick Barnett, who has speed, intellect and size, but the Look Man would like to know your pick for the ROTY. Email your picks now. Operators standing by.

Zebra of the Week: Is there any question? Bucs-Colts Referee Johnnie (Big Bootay) Grier came across the Eight Dimension and reclaimed his namesake award in a penalty-filled, ridiculously officiated fiasco on MNF. One might have thought that we were watching the Johnnie Grier Show on UPN instead of ABC Sports presentation for the displeasure of the viewing audience. The incredible Colts comeback was tainted by his schmaltzy handling of an instant classic. Grier should be fired immediately, or even worse, assigned only to Bungals games for the remainder of the year. That move would guarantee his retirement. Don't look for Grier to do the Super Bowl anytime soon.

Among his horrific calls:

• illegally using the Jumbotron to reverse a face mask call on Simeon Rice
• calling Running into the Kicker, when Tom Tupa(lo Honey) simply stumbled over a prone Dominick Rhodes laying on the ground
• illegal Procedure on Tarik Glenn (multiple) when Big T simply moved on the sound of the QB call
• defensive holding on two 4th down punts that yielded first downs for Tampa (both on Detron Smith)
• "leaping" call on Simeon Rice's FG block to set up the game winner

Granted, the league came out in support of Big Bootay on the leaping call, indicating that it has been called 7 times since the rule change. [LM: One of those calls was in the Browns-Catholic Icons game last season, and the Look Man went ballistic.] Suffice it to say that the rule is idiotic, but the Colts win was not attributable. If you add up all of the calls against the Horsies that were unadulterated crap, and subtract that leaping call, you still have a great game. Not to mention the personal foul calls against Warren Sapp and Kenyatta Walker that set up the comeback were purely legitimate. Grier's foolishness should not be allowed to ruin an incredible Alcoa Fantastic Finish. It was karma that Hume Cronyn win this battle and the Football Gods are smiling. For more on the leaping call from the League Office on Covering Up Bad Officiating see the attached URL:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=1632537

Celebrity Obit of the Week(nearly): Las Vegas performer Roy Horn was mauled by a rare white Siberian tiger named Montecore last week. Horn, of the famed Siegfreid and Roy team, was attacked after tapping his microphone on the nose of the tiger. Montecore then grabbed Horn by the arm, causing him to stumble and fall. Once on the ground, the tiger seized Horn's neck and dragged him off stage, to the horror of the crowd. While details of his rescue are sketchy, onlookers did claim that Horn gave the thumbs-up signal as he was carted off on a stretcher. Of course, Montecore got into the act by giving a paws-up for the mauling.

Horn is in critical but stable condition in a Vegas hospital after receiving massive blood transfusions. Montecore is not expected to be put down, largely at the request of Horn. "I can't really blame these animals for being man-eaters. Heck, I am a man-eater, too", said Horn's partner Siegfried.

In an unrelated story, Cincinnati Bengals head coach suffered serious facial injuries while working with the team mascot during the bye week. The mascot, Benzoo, had become increasingly disenchanted with Lewis over what he perceived as false advertising. "The fight song has lyrics like, 'Hear the Bengals growling, mean and ornery.' Now everyone knows that this team is nothing but a pussycat", said the Mascot. "Now, the other tigers from the Cincinnati Zoo keep giving me grief. I had to take it out on someone, and Marvin was there. I chewed his @ss up."

Lewis is expected to make a full recovery following extensive plastic surgery. Since the head coach already looks like a composite sketch artist assembled his facial features, surgeons will simply use a Mr. Potato Head kit to rebuild his face. "The media is very desirous of black head coaches being eaten by wild animals", said former ESPN analyst Rush Limburger. "Simply review the Tarzan movie franchise and you will see that these animals are used to eating Africans." Democratic presidential candidates immediately called for Limburger to step down as a member of the Human Race.

Benzoo is not expected to be destroyed, but will be barred from future photos with children by the Brown Family. Mikey Boy should check his facts before making such a rash move. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) cites the fact that, since 1990, there have been 77 incidents between tigers and human beings, while the Nati team has only 55 winning incidents in that period.