The Look
Man Report 2004
Week
16: A Christmas Story
Week 16 of
the NFL season just happened to fall on Christmas weekend. In point of fact,
the NFL had games on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after Christmas,
which shall heretofore be named Mithras Day. Though we celebrate Christ's
birthday in December, it is more likely that the holiday coincides with the
winter solstice pagan celebration of the Persian god Mithras.
It is not
uncommon for conquering nations to adopt the holy days of the conquered. In
fact, many of our so-called Christian holidays are merely the absorption of
pagan holy days. The spring solstice matches up with Easter, the winter
solstice Christmas, and Halloween matches up with a Wicca celebration of the
autumnal equinox. Of course, we also celebrate the Fourth of July to loosely
mimic French Bastille Day, which was the least we could do after stealing their
colors, philosophy and the fried potatoes.
The weekend
also included 2 important anniversaries. The first was the 20th
anniversary of Dan Marino's 48 TD pass season. The second, and perhaps more
important, is the 20th anniversary of the movie classic, A
Christmas Story.
For the
uninitiated, A Christmas Story is a classic tale of one midwestern boy's holiday memory.
Peter Billingsley stars as a Hoosier kid whose attempts to obtain a Red Ryder
Carbine-Action 200 Range Air Rifle from Santa are thwarted at every turn. The
film captures the feel of a family celebrating a holiday whose Christian roots
are in conflict with the secular rituals.
The week
included many good games, but the 2 most prominent were the Bolts at Colts and
the Flintstones at Stillers. These two matchups featured four of the best
teams in the dominant AFC and constituted some possible playoff matchups.
Without further delay, Week Seize en Croute.
Gouda
Group @ Swedes:
The Gouda
Group traveled to the Twin Cities to take on the Swedes in a crucial NFC Norse
matchup. Hornheads QB Daunte Culpepper lit the Pack up with
TD passes on three consecutive throws: a 12-yarder to wide receiver Randy
(Mouth) Moss, a 68-yarder to WR Nate Burleson (Ives), and a 38-yard screen to
RB Michael (Harve) Bennett.
Not to be
outdone by a mere Protestant, Brett (The Pope) Favre issued one of his patented
divine comebacks, going 80 yards in 13 plays for the tie with just over 3
minutes left. The Limburger Cheese D then figured out how to tackle, forcing a
Vikes punt with the help of the officials, who threw in a cheap holding call.
The Pope was then able to go to work on the game-winning prayer, a FG for the
34-31 win.
The Pack
won the NFC Norse on the FG, and now will have at least 1 home game. Of course,
as poorly as they have been playing at home of late, it may not matter.
Flintstones
@ Stillers:
The Stillers
hosted Baltimore in a potential AFC North slugfest. The Stillers then provided
all of the slugging, when Jerome (The Bus) Bettis ran around, over and through
the Flintstone defense. The Flintstones seemed like they were putting coins in
the Bus' back, because they went for rides every time they tried to tackle him.
Oy and double oy.
Stillers WR
Plexiglass Burress came off the canvas to catch a play action TD from (Big) Ben
Roethlisberger early. The 'stones were keying on Hines (57) Ward, so Big Ben
simply put it in the hands of Antwan Randle El (Sid), who made a sweet
one-handed grab for a first down as well as a nice 3rd down
conversion near the goal line.
Baltimore
was dominated 20-7 in this one, and the only ugly scene was the cheapshot hit
on Big Ben by LB Terrell Suggs. Big Ben had clearly
thrown the TD to Jerame Tuman when Suggs
pounded him into Heinz Field, resulting in a rib injury. Suggs can expect a
little something extra
from the league office this week in the form of a - fine. Big Ben's jersey is
the number one seller in the league this season, and losing him for the playoffs
would be a marketing disaster.
and or suspension?
Bus rollin'
Randle El comes of age
One
item worth noting was the lack of pressure by the Stillers blitz. Although
D-Co Dick LeBeau(nhead) likes hurries as much
as sacks, he didn't get any of
the latter on Kyle Boller. It
was the third straight week without a sack versus Boller Hat, Eli Manning and
Chad Pennington. None of these guys are known for foot
speed, so if the Tissue Paper Curtain goes against a
mobile guy, look out.
Bolts @
Colts:
Peyton
(Billingsley) Manning celebrated his holiday weekend by breaking Marino's
passing TD record. The more important stat might have been the W over a
potential playoff opponent in San Diego.
The Colts
and Bolts matchup was epic in many ways, not the least of which was the game
tying "ghost to the post" TD pass to Brandon Stokely (Carmichael) in
regulation. After calling a different play in the huddle, Manning casually
told Stokely to "run the post" as he walked to the line. To sell the
route, Manning issued the hand signal for the corner route by punching his fist
into his open palm. The Bolts' defense recognized this hand signal from the
previous week, where Manning used it against Baltimore. The nickel back
instinctively responded to Stokely's corner move, and the safety slipped at the
second move to the post. The pass left Manning's hands right as Stokely made
the first move. It hit the slot receiver in mid stride as he crossed the goal
line with Manning's record-breaking 49th TD pass of the season.
A lot is
made of Manning's record-breaking performance, but there were some other keys
to this game. First, the Bolts defense is for real, and it boasts 2 of the
toughest LBs no one knows about in the AFC. Steve Foley (Catheter) is an
ex-Bengal, who didn't have what it took to stick around under previous Bengal
regimes. All he did was sack Peyton Billingsley 3 times in this game,
including what should have been the game breaker. Foley Catheter sacked
Manning on 3rd and long, a factor in the usually accurate Colts
kicker Mike Vanderjagt missing a 48 yarder.
After a 3
and out by the Lucky Charms D, and down 31-23, Manning overruled head coach
Tony (Hume Cronyn) Dungy's punt decision on 4th and 4. Hume Cronyn
sent in the punt team, but Peyton Billingsley waved them off frantically
despite Hume yelling, "You'll shoot your eye out kid!!" Manning then calmly hit
WR (Millionaire Playboy) Reggie (Bruce) Wayne for the first down on one of
those "check with me" pass plays. Batman ran a timing pattern and Peyton put
it on his back hip so fast that the CB never had a chance for the pick. It was
like shooting ducks in a pond with a Red Ryder BB gun.
The other
LB is former Baby Back Donnie (Brasco) Edwards. Brasco picked Peyton's pocket
in a first and goal situation early, setting the tone for the game. Edwards is
fast, tough and cagey. Between he and Foley, you have 2 of the best in the
AFC, despite the hype given Ray (Ray) Lewis in B-More.
Lastly,
backup RB Dominic Rhodes (Scholar) had a pedantic scurry to the Hizzie on a
kick return that pulled Indy back into this one. Rhodes Scholar's score
breathed life into a moribund Colts team, and both the offense and defense
responded in kind. Rhodes earned a game ball for his trouble, and was quoted
as saying, "That kick return was sine qua non for this victory. Invictus,
veritas!" Translation: we kicked dey ass. Manning on the other hand didn't get
a game ball, but he did win a handsome leg lamp with fishnet stockings, which
he gave to his father Archie. Bolts TE Antonio (Bill) Gates and LaDanian (The
New LT) Tomlinson received nice door prizes for their record performances as
well.
The play of
this wonderful San Diego defense was undermined by none other than Marty
Schottenheimer (means "too much prevent D" in German), who allowed his
conservative play calling to ruin the day. As usual, Marty played it too close
to the vest against a wide-open offense. When you play not to lose, you
usually do, and Marty gagged on another one on Sunday. The Colts stole the 3rd
seed in the playoffs, and now look to face Denver instead of the Bisons or
Baltimore. Either team is capable of sending Marty back to Stuttgart for the
winter.
Carolina
@ Tampa Bay:
The Black
Cats are still the team no one wants to face as Jake (The Man) Delhomme threw 4
TDs against the Expensive Corn Kings. The Man is especially in tune with WR
Muhsin Muhammed, who had a great grab in this one.
The Look
Man loves a QB who congratulates his WRs on TD catches – a Jake Delhomme
specialty. Oh, and Cats DT Kindal (Craving) Moorehead had an INT for a TD to
lock up the game. When one beat writer asked, "Who is Craving Moorehead?"
"Apparently, you are", replied assistant coach Sean Connery.
Lagniappe:
Yippee
Yi Yo Chai Yay:
Pokes SS
Darren (Woody) Woodson called it a career this week. Woody represented the
last Starhead from the Superbowl Era, and his retirement due to a bad back is
symbolic of the overhaul in Big D. When asked about his career, Woody
responded, "I did what I had to do. The Ballerina wanted me home more with the
kids so what the hey? I have a sponsorship deal with Levitra and Cialis to
sell some of their wood drugs, so I should be fine financially. To Infinity
and beyond!"
When we see
the retirements of Vinny Testaverde, Bryant Young of the Niners, Jerome (The
Bus) Bettis and Brett (The Pope) Favre, the NFL will be devoid of any player
that can say he played for a true dynasty.
More
Than a Grocery Bagger:
Don't look
now, but going back to 2003 playoffs, Manning has thrown 58 TDs in a span of 18
games. Not surprisingly, the Horsies went 14-4 over that span, but 2 of those
losses were to the Chowds. Manning's performances against 2 class defenses in
San Diego and Baltimore have been impressive, so if someone knocks off New
England or Blitzburgh, heÉcouldÉgoÉallÉtheÉway!
Put Me
in Coach:
The Look
Man is ticked that the NFL is allowing teams to sit their starters down the
stretch. When the Iggles laid down for Mike Martz and the Lambs on MNF, who
didn't even have a QB who can throw the deep ball, what message does that send?
The outcome of that game directly affects the playoffs, since the Jets play at
St. Louis next week, and the Vikes, Bisons and Carolina playoff futures hang in
the balance.
The Look
Man would like to see Commissioner Tags send out a mandate for playing time,
making violators suffer the ignominy of the loss of draft picks. On the other
hand, Ignorance is its own punishment; when Indy rested its starters in the
last week of the regular season in 1999, it got blasted 41-6 by the Bisons and
went on to lose in Week 1 of the postseason.
Manning
the Gun:
A lot of
folks can't remember Marino's record-breaking season in 1984, but the Look Man
does. Marino was drafted in late by the Miami Marine Mammals in 1983, The Year
of the QB. He had the misfortune of being drafted in the same year as number
one pick overall, John Elway, but also Jim Kelly, and Ken O'Brien of the Jets.
Despite the
legendary nature of the QBs taken in this draft, it also included Hall of Fame
talents such as CB Darrell Green, OT Bruce Matthews, and RB Eric Dickerson.
The talent pool in 83 was so deep, that it included Bears DE Richard Dent and
Fish WR Mark Clayton in the eighth round, a round that no longer even exists.
NT Tim Krumrie, Donkeys LB Karl Mecklenburg and Vikes Pro Bowl wide receiver
Anthony Carter were all drafted after the 10th round.
The Look
Man quotes this to show how much talent the league had in 1984. All of these
guys were well on their way to stardom, and against these defenders, Marino lit
up a league that still allowed bumping of receivers all the way downfield. His
48 TD, 5,000 passing yard performance catapulted him to his only shot at the
Lombardi, where he lost to a lowly QB named Joe Montana.
The Patient Football Conference:
One theory about AFC dominance over the NFC links coaching
tenure to wins. Blitzburgh fans were calling for Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher's
head a year ago at 6-10, and now the Stillers are the cream of the NFL. Jeff
Fisher, Brian Billick, Bill Belichick, Dick Vermeil and Mike Shanahan have all
been around longer than most of the NFC coaches and the records speak for
themselves. The AFC owns the NFC in interconference play this season.
That's the Way of the Chowd:
Can the
Chowds actually win a Superbowl with a corner named after Earth Wind &
Fire? What's next, a WR named after an MTV VJ? How in the hell can New England
win with 89 linebackers and defensive backs named Moe? Just ask the Jets.
Also, you ever wonder if Belichick hired Weis and Crennel just so that he could
be the only normal looking guy? Those sweatshirt outfits on the sidelines are
some kind of retro look. You just know Dr. Evil has stock in Old Navy hoodies.
Battle
of the Interims:
Sunday
Night's Browns-Marine Mammals included starters despite the bush league play.
Browns QB (Little) Luke McCown had one decent throw, while Mammals QB AJ Touchy
Feeley looked horrible. The 10-7 game was nearly unwatchable. Little Luke was
later quoted as saying, "Peyton Manning can throw 50 TDs, but I can eat 50
eggs." Coach Terri (Hatcher) Robiskie countered, "What we have here is a
failure to communicate." Or a failure to score, says the Look Man.
This game
had two notable items: (1) the Fish had a 12-play, 6:51 drive that ended in a
punt, and (2) there were 3 fumbles and 2 turnovers on THE SAME PLAY in the
second quarter. The
play resulted in a 26-yard gain for C-Town. BTW, that sucking sound was the
sound of ESPN SNF ratings going down the toilet after this one.
Oscar Goldman Signs With ATL:
Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick signed a 10 yr/$100M deal last
week, of which $37M is guaranteed. The guaranteed money includes football and
non-football injuries, and is said to be key in assuring that Jack B Nimble
maintains his devil-may-care style on the field, as opposed to turning into
Aaron Brooks in New Orleans. Brooks quit running and started throwing passes
to lineman in his own backfield right after signing his new deal. As a result,
the talented Religious Icons are on the bubble instead of charging into the
playoffs as a wild card. The Dirty Birds wanted to insure that Jack B didn't take the
same play-it-safe attitude once his new deal kicked in.
Playoff
Pick-ture:
With the
Gouda Group clinching the NFC North and the No. 3 seed, the Vikes may be on the
outside looking in, unless they win at FedEx on Sunday. Owner Red McCombs
exercised his option on head coach Mike (Fried) Tice, but the loss to Green Bay
reminded us of the Vikes' Week 17 collapse at Phoenix in 2003.
The Bisons
have slim hopes for a nice playoff story. The Look Man believes that the
league doesn't want these guys in the playoffs, and will likely allow the
Donkeys and Jets to take the last playoff spots. In its last six outings,
Buffalo has scored 228 points -- more than Indianapolis scored in its last six
outings, and just 15 points fewer than the Bills scored in all of 2003.
Still, who wouldn't want to see the Human Statue that is
Drew Bledsoe and the Bisons' aggressive defense featuring Takeo (means
"pizza" in Mandarin) Spikes in the postseason? They're the team no
one wants to face, and their run-stuffing D could present problems for the
Stillers, Donkeys and Chargers.
Celebrity Obituary of the Week:
The Look
Man was tempted to recognize noted author and activist Susan Sontag, who died
this week at the age of 71. Sontag's intuitive understanding of art and pop
culture was best highlighted by her "so bad it's good" affinity for
everything from "Swan Lake" to feather boas. But the very heart of
the LMR is sports, not intellectualism and this mandates that the Look Man
address one of the NFL legend Reggie White.
Reggie
White died of a massive coronary on a full moon Sunday. White, a former
Packer, Panther and Iggle, was born December 19, 1961 in Chattanooga, TN. The
former Volunteer was drafted as the first pick overall by the Philadelphia
Iggles.
At 6-5, and
just over 300 pounds, his 4.55 speed and incredible strength allowed his to
redefine the DE position. He perfected a move called the "under schlumpy",
where he clubbed opposing linemen with a rip move, sending 300 pounders flying,
and clearing his path to the QB sack.
After he
was unable to persuade the Iggles to meet his salary and championship ring
demands, White went free agent in 1993. He signed a theretofore unheard of
4-year, $17 million deal with the Gouda Group. Though the Genocide Victims,
Jets, Niners,
Pokes and Browns were all chasing Reggie, he selected Green Bay based on a
divine conversation. "God told me to go to Green Bay. Apparently, there are a
lot of sinners there, including Brett Favre. God said if I can convert Brett,
he might be Pope some day, said White.
Further,
White made Green Bay popular with a generation of African American players,
allowing them to sign big-name FA's that eventually led them to the Super Bowl.
White turned Green Bay back into 'Titletown' in his 4th season on the
Frozen Tundra.
One great Reggie White story comes courtesy of Niners Pro
Bowl OT Harris (Clara) Barton: White begins shouting spiritual dogma at Barton
before every snap. He tells Barton that the Lord Jesus is his savior, and that
by the end of the game, Barton will have no choice but to accept the Lord as
his savior. White was dominating the Nurse on nearly every snap and finally,
Barton goes for the punch line. While White is shouting about the Lord, Barton
smiles and says, "Reggie, I'm Jewish." White simply laughed the big laugh
and continued to punish Barton.
White was
also famous for his impressions of Muhammad Ali, Fred Flintstone, and Rodney
Dangerfield. He led his teammates through humor, eschewing profanity, and
seeking converts. He also raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for
inner-city youth programs and churches. Although Brett Favre got the credit,
make no mistake: this was Reggie's team.
The Gouda
Group is seeking an unlikely exemption for the mandatory 5-year wait for admission
to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. They also lowered their US flags to
half-staff in honor of White. Though there is no doubt he will appear one day
in Canton, Ohio, White will have to wait. Fortunately, he didn't make us wait
to see perhaps the greatest defensive lineman in the history of the game.
Zebra of
the Week:
Replay It Again, Sam:
The Bears-Lions game ended in controversy when Bears WR
Bernard Berrian got both his feet down and still didn't get the points. The
Zebra must've been smoking a jizzo here, because not only did Terry McAulay
deny the TD, he also refused to overturn it on review.
Bruce Banner - NFL Official:
In the ugly Browns @ Miami game, RB Lee Suggs fell to the
ground and the ball poppedout. The Zebras convened, and Ed (The Hulk) Hochuli
determined it was a fumble. Not one zebra called it a fumble on the field, so
the call was made in their huddle with no one actually having seen the fumble.
Nonetheless, the Browns lost the challenge. The correct call would be to signal
dead ball, no fumble. If the review showed that it was a fumble, then it could
be overturned. Instead Hulk Hochuli blew another one.
The Look Ahead:
Religious
Icons @ Black Cats:
The Black Cats have owned
the Saints since former New Orleans backup Jake Delhomme signed as a free agent
in 2003. The Icons have quietly gotten hot of late, and they have the longest
win streak in the NFC at 3 straight. This one could be a war, but the Look Man
likes the Black Cats to make it to the playoffs on the strength of their
defense.
Browns @
Slim Shadies:
Despite the
lack of playoff ramifications, look for the Browns to score early and often - -
- at the gentlemen's clubs in Houston. Get real, folks. Houston is coming off
an important win on the road at J-Ville, and this game ends their season on a
high note. Cleveland's season wouldn't end on a high note if Philip Bailey was
calling the signals at QB.
Denver @
Indy:
No word yet
on whether the Horsies will rest their starters, but Denver needs this one a
lot more than the Lucky Charms. Jake the Fake will try to light up the
scoreboard to avenge the ass kicking the Donkeys took at the hands of the Colts
in the 2003 playoffs. Unfortunately, what he'll win is a chance to face
Buffalo or New York, two wild card hopefuls that would pound him back into the
plumbing business.
Blitzburgh
@ Buffalo:
The
Stillers will rest Big Ben, the Bus and any other starters that are dinged up.
The Bisons will be fired up at Orchard Park, and the Stillers have nothing to
play for unless you count Bill (Iron) Chin Cowher going against his former
mentee Mike (Fulla) Mularkey. Look for trick plays aplenty as the Fulla goes
toe to toe with the slowest talking D-Co in the NFL in Dick LeBeau(nhead).
Again, this could set up a rematch in the playoffs, so don't discount the
fireworks that are sure to occur here.
KC @
Saint Don:
The Bolts
have little to play for against one of the hottest teams in the AFC. After
facing the other white hot offense in the conference, it will be interesting to
see if Marty's Boys have anything left. It's Crying Man vs. Crying Man when
Schottenheimer and Vermeil go at it. Maybe they should rename this the Kleenex
Bowl in honor of the coaches.
Bungals
@ Iggles:
Not sure
why this game is even worth mentioning except that the Bungals have a shot at
8-8 respectability at the Linc. Look Man co-worker Chuck (kd) Lang believes
that Iggles backup Jeff (Shake N) Blake will be looking for revenge over the
Ugly & Black for trading him and his high priced salary. CBS is
investigating the possibility of wide-angle lenses to keep Blake's sky balls on
screen. CBS made no mention of catering services, since Jon (Easy Bake Oven)
Kitna will be providing turnovers free of charge.
Minnesota
@ DC:
The Vikes
need a win against the always-tough Genocide Victims D. The weather may be a
factor since the Vikes haven't won outdoors since the Eisenhower
Administration. The Look Man could see the Vikes taking one on the chin here,
allowing some unlikely playoff scenarios to occur.
Jets @
Lambs:
It will be
a battle of the bad AC joints when Chad Pennington (and Pound Foolish) takes on
Marc (The Scarecrow) Bulger in St. Louise. The Lambs need a win to get in and
the Jets simply need a win. No word yet on who will tick off the press more
following the game, Chad or Mike (The Cockatoo) Martz. The Look Man is betting
that the Jets D will shear the Lambs, knocking them out of the playoff hunt.
Herm (Blake) Edwards can then begin filming the sequel to 10, starring Pound Foolish with a
braided blond wig as Bo Derek.
Also in the
news this week, The Cockatoo claims that OT Kyle (Helen) Turley threatened to
kill him when Martz questioned his rehab from back surgery. Turley replied,
"I can throw your head farther than I threw my helmet when I was with New
Orleans, biyatch. Get outta my face!" The Cockatoo reported the incident
to the NFL, who is mandating that Turley face additional testing for steroids.
"We think Kyle may be suffering from 'Roid Rage", said Mike Pereira.
When asked if steroids were really the root, or if the irritating head coach
might share the blame, Pereira backpedaled, saying, "No, we mean
hemorrhoid rage. The man has a bad case of the piles." No comment from
George Brett on the subject.
ATL @
Seattle:
Despite
claims that Michael Vick and the rest of the Dirty Bird starters will suit up
for this one, it should be interesting. Former Niners coaches Jim Mora and
Mike (The Walrus) Holmgren face off in a possible playoff preview. The Dirty
Bird D looked pedestrian the last two weeks, but the Seahags haven't lit it up
with either Trent Dilfer (means "marital aid" in Swedish) or Matt (Hair Club
for Men) Hasselback. The Hags will not rush for 140 yards on this defense, so
it will come down to Quarterback by Committee versus the $100 Million Dollar
Man.
Epilogue:
Buffalo probably
won't make it to the Tournament, but the Black Cats will, which doesn't bode
well for the Iggles. Carolina kicked their butts all over Lincoln Financial in
last year's playoffs, so don't be surprised if the Cats pluck the TO-free
Iggles again this season.
Over in the
AFC, the absence of the Bisons could hurt the conference overall. The Look Man
expects a few surprises down the stretch, including a possible fall from grace
by the Stillers and Chowds. He likes the dark horse that is Indy, but the
Bolts' D also makes them a distinct contender. Having Marty at the helm won't
help if they face a wet paper bag, but they match up extremely well on paper
with the Chowds, Colts and Stillers.
The new
year arrives this week and we should all remember the folks affected by the
tsunami in our prayers.
Happy New
Year!
Out.
The Look
Man