Week 10: Not since 1997 have two NFL teams played five full quarters of football only to leave the field without a W or an L
Not since 1997 have two NFL teams played five full quarters of football only to leave the field without a "W" or an "L". That is, until yesterday. In a game for the ages yesterday at Ketchup Field, Atlanta’s Dirty Birds erased a 17 point deficit on the strength of a Antwan Randle El (Sid) fumbled punt and went on to an overtime tie against the Stillers. After punishing Michael (Slick) Vick with wicked hits for 3 quarters, the Blitzburgh D gave up several scores allowing the Birds to tie the game at 34.
Bill (Iron Chin) Cowher’s offense was as ugly as his goatee in the less-than-deciding fourth quarter as he and O-coordinator Mike (Fulla) Mularkey got ultra conservative down the stretch. Iron Chin coached like his mentor, Marty Schottenheimer, hoping his defense would pull out a victory. Unfortunately, when you play not to lose, you sometimes don’t win either. The resulting 5-3-1 record keeps the Iron City Icons atop the horrible AFC North, but now the lead is not insurmountable and the surprising Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks loom large in the road ahead. Cleveland just got some added incentive to beat the Hapless Bungals next week at Pall Bearer Stadium, AKA the Sandbox.
Speaking of sandboxes, Ketchup Field did not play well following high school playoff games and the University of Pittsburgh on consecutive nights. Guys were slipping and sliding all over the place yesterday at PBS East. I was expecting to see chicks wearing bikinis while sipping umbrella drinks on this thing. Referee (and Noted Browns Killer) Terry MacAulay obviously had a couple of cocktails, uttering at one point, "Please reset the clock to ….what is it?" Despite the rough, the Stillers offense chipped well on the day. Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox pulled out the sand wedge for a Stiller record 473 passing yards against the ATL D. The feat was even more incredible since it was accomplished with him looking through his earhole (what is up with the seriously crooked helmet? Is his head deformed or what?!). Plexiglass Burress racked up 253 yards in receptions, including the heart-stopping catch on the last play of OT with his feet in the endzone but the ball on the one yard line with the clock at triple zero. The ATL D played out of its mind for the entire 4th and 5th quarters. These guys were so tired that they weren’t even huddling between plays. They simply stood around bent over with fatigue and then blasted anything that moved on the offense. I thought Coach Dan Reeves was going to have to double up on the Zocor in order to avoid a coronary event.
Final stats were not indicative of the result, with Heinz (57) Ward getting 139 yards in receptions to go with (Famous) Amos Zereoue’s 123 rushing yards. There was over 1000 yards of offense in this bad boy. Since the final tie score was the result of 2 blocked FGs, I guess you could say that the Stillers left the last bit of ketchup in the bottle, despite playing with relish. The job of the rest of the AFC North is to see that it stays there. Please queue up Carly Simon’s "Anticipation" in the DJ booth.
The St. Louis-San Diego game was also unbelievable. Having blown all of their timeouts for stupid reviews and philosophical offensive discussions, the Mouflons were down 2 TDs with 3 minutes to go. Martz, in his best Sam Wyche imitation, decided to throw early and often instead of using Marshall Faulk. Result: Marshall gets injured and they have no choice but to throw. Unfortunately, Marty Schottenheimer passes on 2 long FGs and uses a 3-man rush and the prevent D, preventing a victory. Too bad it was to the Smug One, Mike Martz, who makes Brian Billick in Baltimore look humble.
The refs missed 3 calls down the stretch: (1) Lambs Kicker Jeff (no relation) Wilkins kicker stepped in front of the ball on the onsides kick, (2) Dre Bly took off his helmet on the field after the recovery, and (3) WR Ike Bruce had a hand full of the Quentin Jammer's jersey on the game winning catch. None of the above resulted in flags. Wilkins later executed a game-saving tackle on the ensuing kickoff, causing him to shout, " Ball go, I go!". You can say the league is objective, but they want the Lambs in the playoffs in the worst way.
If you think there is no quarterback controversy in the Arch City, you missed Kurt Warner hugging QB Marc (the Scarecrow) Bulger after the game winning pass, and Bulger pushing him away with the elbow. Classic. My prediction: Martz will pull the Scarecrow and reinsert Warner, and the Mouflons will stumble. Martz is an idiot. Even Bradshaw dissed him, calling him "she" after he refused an interview last week.
The Bungals pulled their usual antics with 4 turnovers in Baltimore. Team officials are thinking of changing the name to the Cincinnati Bakers due to the large amounts of pastry coming out of Jon Pickna’s hands. Lucky for the Ugly & Black, Ravens safety Ed (Leon Lett) Reed started celebrating 5 yards too early on the one of the picks, resulting in Ponytail Houshmanzadeh stripping the rock before the goal line. When the inevitable Super Bowl clip of Dallas’ Leon Lett appeared, I thought I was about to have a coronary from laughing. Similarly, Jeff Blake and the rest of the Ravens cackled like hens for most of the afternoon, thanks to the Bungals’ miscues.
Next up: The Browns, fresh off of a bye, come into Dawg Pound South to meet the Bakers. Let’s hope that the Browns were able to locate a running game in their off-week, or it could be a long day for Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch. Defensive Backs Robert Griffith and Corey Fuller should return from injuries just in time to sample some of Pickna’s pastries, but as Iron Chin found out yesterday, a running game in crunch time is critical to success in the NFL. My prediction: RB James Jackson has a great day running the rock against an unsuspecting Bakers’ D without Oliver (OG) Gibson in the middle. With 2 weeks to prepare, Browns’ O-Coordinator Bruce (Foghorn Leghorn) Arians steals a page out of Fulla Mularkey’s playbook and calls several gimmick plays to stun the U&B in a laugher ("Boy, I say, Boy. Now that there is a Flea Flickah."). After the loss, Bakers’ Head Coach Lick DeBeaun is quoted guaranteeing a win against Pittsburgh, stating, "We…can play … in the ….sandbox…with anyone."
Out.