Week 12: Life in the NFL is H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

In the words of Nick Bachai, the Look Man is "just livin’ the dream" baby. After predicting a Browns win over playoff contender New Orleans Religious Icons in the Big Easy, the Look Man went on to prognosticate both a Sunday Night win by the Indianapolis Horsies over the Denver Donkeys and the Iggles visiting the Frisco Seven Squareds on Monday Night. The resultant windfall from numerous wagers has come just in time to ensure a very merry holiday season. If only money could procure a playoff spot for the Browns under the tree. Week 12 featured the following incredibly unlikely scenarios:

1) Chad (Starsky) Hutchinson throws for 3 bills as the Cowpokes knock off a resurgent Jags team,

2) Seattle She-Hawks bake up a surprise win over the KC Chefs in Coffee Town, in a game with over a combined 1000 offensive yards and 64 first downs,

3) The Bungals beat the Stillers in Blitzburg on a field that reminded them of their home sandbox.

Well, of course that last item is way too improbable to be true, but that doesn’t change the wacky nature of Week 12. The Ugly & Black came within a dropped TD and 2-point conversion of tying the Stillers after LEADING the game 21-19. Of course, the Toothless Tigers are in the midst of an Off-Broadway production of Groundhog Day, starring TJ (Hooker) Houshmandzadeh as Bill Murray. Hooker dropped yet another punt return which gift-wrapped the game for the Stillers. The real star of the day was Ketchup Field (AKA the Sandbox) which had to be steamrolled to prevent injuries. Bungals KR Brandname Bennett was injured doing his personal rendition of Beach Blanket Bingo on the shoddy turf.

Meanwhile, how does a team like the ‘Pokes could go from dropping 8 Starsky passes to catching everything in reach? Starsky had that team redlining like his trademark Ford Torino as they knock the Jags off in Big D. Elsewhere, the Jynts prove that the Starheads are not the only NFC Least team capable of losing to the Houston Slim Shadys, as they play victim number 2 for the expansion club. Tiki Barber (of Seville) drops a buck-forty six on the defense, but the Houston juggernaut would not be denied. Apparently, they didn’t recognize Tiki without his debit card.

The week wouldn’t be complete without the patented Upset Special of the Week. The Browns Version 2.0 went down to the Big Easy for a business meeting in the Superdome. The Dome is the site of Browns Version 2.0’s first win, courtesy of a Sofa Boy Hail Mary to Kevin (Magic) Johnson in 1999. Sofa Boy returned to the scene of the crime and promptly gave up two picks, leading to 6 of the Icons’ 15 points. Fortunately, the Barking Dawg D stole 3 picks and a fumble from QB Aaron Brooks (Brothers), doing his best Jon Pickna impression. Icons’ Head Coach Jim (Lemon Top) Haslett contributed to the loss by activating Deuce (means "bad man" in Ebonics) McAllister and forcing New Orleans to inactivate a wide receiver. The move proved costly as Browns LB Brant (He’s just a) Boyer decleated WR Jerome Pathon early in the game. Pathon earned a concussion and Boyer a letter from the league office, inviting him to the Commissioner’s Ball. Pathon returned later for more pain, in an insult-to-injury coaching move. Lemon Top later tried to steal a timeout with 1:46 remaining to make up for a bad decision to review an official’s call, and wouldn’t shake Hurricane Boy’s hand after the game. The Icons are in a typical year-end swoon and fall to 3rd in the NFC South Division after losing 3 of 4.

William (the Exorcist) Green had his first 100-yard rushing day, a crushing safety blitz pickup block, and tacked on a sweet sideline reception for a critical first down. He was so wide open even Sofa Boy couldn’t miss the hookup. The play came right out of Saturday’s OSU-Michigan Krenzel to Clarrett hookup. The amazing Browns offense uncharacteristically featured devious fake reverses, misdirection, and deep passes, including a 36-yard draw play to WR Dennis North(and South)cutt for a TD. Perhaps the most interesting call was a keybreaking draw play on 3rd and 5. Sofa Boy got to run a play rarely seen by Browns QBs - - - the kneel down. The win resurrects the Browns playoff hopes, prompting the Exorcist to say, "So the Browns live to die another day." As long as he stays away from [Cleveland’s Own] Halle (Jinx) Berry.

In a possible AFC playoff preview, Peyton (Pete) Manning and the Horsies rode into Denver to face the Donkeys without Brian Beer Batter Griese. Steve Beuerlein (Wall) replaced Griese at QB in a snowstorm that made for a slick football. The field conditions were brutal with double-digit windchill, blowing snow and Beer Batter’s dog all on the field of play. While Manning & Beuerlein struggled to hold onto the rock, (Starvin‘) Marvin Harrison almost had 100 catches in one night. Starvin’ almost certainly would have had 100 had he not stopped for some fast food in the 3rd quarter. Queue the Rally’s theme song: Ruh-ruh-Rally’s; you gotta eat! Who do you think you are, you won’t go far, if you don’t EAT!

Pete did a great impression of his dad, former NFL QB Archie (Bunker) Manning, by changing plays at the line despite the hostile crowd noise. Apparently the crowd was herded in from the Five Points barrio, as they could not even afford clothing, and had to settle for orange and blue paint instead. Their penchant for yelling IN-COM---PLETE! after each missed pass was further evidence of their complete lack of football knowledge. Horsie Kicker Mike (Yacht Boy) Vanderjagt was forced to yell back, "IN---YO---@SSS!" following the game-winning FG simply to alert them to go home. " I call those last 2 kicks my Olindo (Night-)Mare specials", said Yacht Boy in the postgame. Game balls went to James Mungro (Jerry) who replaced Edgerin James at TB, and P Punter Smith, who was assaulted while punting but got no call at InvestigationCo Field. (see Zebra of the Week Award)

In a similar NFC preview, the St. Pete-Clearwater-Tampa Bay Cannonballs punished the Green Bay Cheeseheads in a rough and tumble meeting in the Big Sombrero. The game was definitely not all fun in the sun as Brett Favre (Bean) did his best Jon Pickna impression with 4 INT’s. Donald Driver and Terry Glenn proved that Wally Gator wasn’t the only swinging alligator in the swamps of Central F-Hell-A on Sunday, as they alligator-armed several Bean bullets. Ronde (the Fugitive) Barber guest starred as Richard Kimble by picking off Mr. Bean with 1 hand in a cast. Brett was overheard on the sidelines yelling, "I didn’t throw the pick!" "I don’t care!", replied Sherman, followed by Favre jumping off the bench into the whirlpool below. The game went from the subliminal to the ridiculous as Warren Sapp came out as a TE in a goal line formation in mop-up time.

Referee Johnny (the Other Brother) Grier actually issued a rare overturn of a bad call on a Joe Jurevicious TD in which he correctly stated that the receiver "dotted the ‘I’ and completed the reception". The fact that half the turf flew into the Back Judge’s eye was a slight indication that Jurevicious’ second foot landed in the endzone. This TD provided the Tampa Bay Cannonballs with the impetus to kick the Cheeseheads’ butts 21-7. Later, Cannonball DT Warren Sapp invited Cheeseheads OT Chad Clifton and Head Coach Mike Sherman to a personal party. Sapp accepted Clifton’s pelvic bone as a housewarming gift but Mike sent his regrets. Leopardskin-wearing sideline reporter Pam Oliver was also invited, but was afraid her forehead might get in the way of a meaningful relationship with Warren.

While many believed that the Birds were a one-man squad comprised of MVP candidate Donovan McNabb(sty) and 52 guys named Moe, the Iggles came out with a spastic 165-lb. QB with no discernable chin, and put a whoopin’ on the Niners in prime time. Koy (means "big goldfish" in Japanese") Detmer dominated the Bathhouse Bay Boys for 3 quarters before dislocating his fin in a bizarre play. After writhing on the ground like a beached guppy in need of anti-spasmodics, Goldfish was replaced by AJ (Touchy) Feeley, who produced several nice passes of his own. The Birds are down to 2 healthy QBs with Touchy and Tim (No) Hasselback, brother of Hair Club for Men president Matt Hasselback of the She-Hawks. Head Coach Andy Reid is looking for an emergency QB with outstanding health care in light of the recent freak injuries to his signal callers.

Referees Tom (Snow) White and Bob (Whee!) McElwee get to share the first Zebra of the Week Award. This award goes to the most outstanding official in the area of poor officiating. The Snow White crew used the often-overlooked leveraging penalty on a field goal, which gave the Icons an opportunity for a TD vs. Cleveland. Snow White also: (1) blatantly stole Red Cashion’s line (First Dahhnnn!), (2) failed to call Icons OTs and DTs leaving the line early, and (3) nearly got "Wyched" by allowing a fake injury to provide New Orleans with a clock stoppage despite having no timeouts. Fortunately, the crafty Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis was able to remind Red Jr. of the rules and force a 40-second rundown. Hurricane Boy would later say, "That call was a walk in the cake. I don’t know how they almost missed the weekly fake du jour." The Look Man saw a stat about Hurricane Boy leading the league in overturned replay calls. On the positive side, the Browns are getting some justice. The question is, why are the Browns always involved in these crazy officiating calls in the first place? A: Jacksonville @ Cleveland in 2001 - the Browns Strike Back: Beer Bottle Episode I.

McElwee did the Horsies-Donkeys game on Sunday night in Denver, and failed to see a TD by James Mungro (Jerry) even though the Indy RB score TWICE on the same run. It took replay to overturn the oversight, forcing Whee to call holding and offensive pass interference on the Donkeys in Denver for the first time since the late 60s. This performance follows last week’s Whee admission of making "a judgment call" on a 4th down play in the Chowds-Bears fiasco. Whee, Snow White and Dick Hantak are all getting up there in years and need to think about retirement. Fortunately, we have stalwarts like Ed (the Incredible Hulk) Hochuli, and Terry (what time is it?) MacAulay to replace these aging legends.

This week we have bonus coverage with Turkey Day Specials as the playoff hunt heats up. The New England Chowds face the Detroit Cadillacs followed by the Nation’s Capitol Genocide Victims at Big D. While even tradition may not help Marty Morningweh (Iroquois for "bad coach") and the Paper Lions following their ignominious loss in OT to da Bears, the Dallas matchup has promise.

Ironically, the Starheads almost always take a week off prior to the Turkey Day test. Having sprouted an offense overnight prior to this game leads the Look Man to wonder if the team rift caused by benching Quincy Carter and Emmitt Smith is over. The Pokes have manhandled the Genocide Victims in recent years by playing a physical brand of ball. The question is, can the Old Ball Coach play smash mouth as well as finesse ball? The Look Man is voting no, but against Dave (Papa Smurf) Campo, it won’t take much coaching to win this one. I look for the GVs to get the win, despite the loss of octogenarian CB Darryl Green and rubber-band armed Danny Wuerffel starting at QB. Capitol City still has playoff hopes in the NFC Least, and they need to do a Jesse Jackson and "keep hope alive." The Pokes are playing for next year with a depleted O-line and without Pro Bowl starters Darren Woodson and Larry Allen. Their only chance is for OT Flozell Adams to punch LB Lavar Arrington in his package and pray.