Week 13: Burnt Orange Offerings Not Spurned in C-town
That loud "thud" you heard on Sunday was the sound of the Cleveland Oranges’ playoff hopes crashing back to earth. The Carolina Polecats came stinking into Cleveland in Week 13 with half of a team and proceeded to beat a 16-degree wind chill and 53 guys in orange jerseys. In a game more befitting Halloween than Thanksgiving, the Oranges lost to a Black Cat team that had dropped 8 straight after starting 3-0. The Oranges also did plenty of ‘giving’ and Carolina had many ‘thanks’. Carolina gave thanks to Sofa Boy for his generous turnovers; thanks to Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis for wasting timeouts which precluded a critical review; thanks to OT Ryan Tucker for 2 false starts and a key (Orange) Julius Peppers sack on the Furniture Kid. Johnny Mathis’ holiday classic, "I’ll Be Home for Christmas" was heard in the Browns’ clubhouse and provides a fitting metaphor for their season.
This half-baked Hardee Burger franchise forced the Clemson Crew into 5 turnovers, including 3 Sofa Boy interceptions and a fumble on a sack. Sofa Boy’s QB rating on the day was 19.6. In light of the fact that a QB rating of 35.0 could be achieved by throwing every pass into the dirt, that is pathetic. It got so bad that the Oranges were praying for an interception so that a fumble recovery by Kevin (KJ) Johnson for a TD would stand. Referee Walt Coleman (Lantern) and crew saw it otherwise, and since Hurricane Boy had managed his timeouts like Bungals Coach Dick LeBeaunhead, the Oranges could not even challenge the ruling. Not that it would have made a difference anyway. To make matters worse, Dennis Northcutt was injured before the half running a 34-yard reverse, the longest play of the day for Cleveland. Even though William (the Exorcist) Green came close to a hundred rushing yards, the game was not as close as the score would indicate.
"They are the sixth-rated defense in the league for a reason," Sofa Boy said. "They got some pressure on us and started stepping it up. I thought we moved the ball well, but once we got in the red zone, my cushion covers got all messy from Orange Julius stains. Now I have to call Coit for a cleaning." Sofa Boy is now headed to Pickna-ville as an official bust as a QB selection.
While the Furniture Kid & the Oranges were stinking up the entire northeast end of the state, the Bungals were doing their part in the southwest. Before a crowd of 44,878 who were mostly disguised as empty seats, the Ugly & Black blew leads of 13-0 and 23-14 against the Baltimore Nevermores en route to a 1-11 record. QB Jon Pickna came out on fire, completing 10 passes and generally carving the Nevermores defense. Corky Dildo became the 5th NFL RB to rush for 1000 yards in each of his first 6 seasons. Luckily, Coach LeBeaunhead was able to guarantee a loss by going conservative at crunch time. The CDC is interested in hiring the Bungals to find a cure for AIDS. Apparently a more creative approach is needed, and the Ugly & Black leads the league in creative ways to lose a game.
Even the officials tried to help the Toothless Tigers get a "W" in this bizarre fiasco. Referee Ron (the Blumster) Blum and his crew consistently called penalties against B-more including a phantom holding call which negated a FG. With 7 seconds to play in the half, and LeBeaunhead going for an improbable 49 yard FG by PK Neil Crackers, Referee Ron Blum’s crew called the Nevermores for "leaping" to block the FG. Now most fans know that leaping is the only way to block a FG, unless you have Herve (The plane! The plane!)Villechaize doing the kicking. The game officiating suddenly got a lot more consistent after the Head Linesman who made the call got his legs taken out by a Raven player pretending to block. Suddenly the yellow hankies were flying in the faces of Bungals defenders instead of the purple-helmeted Nevermores.
Given the opening, Former Bungals QB Jeff (Shake N) Blake oven-fried a couple of TD passes. Blake was later heard to exclaim in the locker room, "It’s not a victory, it’s Shake N Blake, and ah hepped! " What really helped was rookie S Chad (Vanessa) Williams’ 98-yard INT and blocked punt, both for TDs. Pickna was jinxed by NIOSH scientist Dave Sundin, who said before the game, "Pickna hasn’t thrown a pick in 2 games." Pickna promptly went out and changed that stat, throwing in a redzone fumble for good measure. "I heard Sofa Boy was trying to take my INT title, and nobody circles the wagons like the Cincinnati Bungals. Heck, we almost beat Cincinnati Elder today", said the Hare Krishna QB. When reminded that the Nevermores were not the Ohio High School champions, Pickna simply threw his helmet at the reporter. Like most of his second half passes, it missed. The stadium announcer is now requesting the Marlboro Country theme song be played whenever Pickna gets in the redzone to alert fans to an impending turnover. The Bungals Fight Song was a close second, but edged out as being ‘too jovial’ ("Hear the Bungals growlin’, mean and ornery….").
Other Bungals wanted Pickna to have the spotlight solo, including TJ (Hooker) Houshmandzadeh, and Corky Dildo, who were both replaced by Rudi (Ray Moore) Johnson. Corky developed a mysterious vision injury just as the Bungals approached the cursed north end zone within 6 points of tying the game. "I got some sand in my eye, and couldn’t see well enough to play", said Dildo. That end zone was the same one where Dildo failed to score in 2 previous home games vs. Cleveland and Tennessee. As Pickna’s 4th down pass was batted to the ground, along with their hopes of a win, the fans headed for the exits.
That blur you just saw on your television screen was ATL Dirty Bird QB Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick, who flew past 11 Viking defenders in a "Clockstopper" impression. Jack B Nimble set a modern day QB record with 173 rushing yards, including a 46 yard scamper to win it in OT. He also inadvertently created a black hole in the Land of 10,000 Swedes by exceeding the speed of light. The Vikes blew a chance to win in regulation when WR Randy Moss left rookie OT Bryant McKinnie uncovered on a flanker TD pass to QB Daunte Stuffedpepper. In a reverse Zebra of the Week Award, Ed (the Incredible Hulk) Hochuli actually spotted the formation foul and overturned the TD. Head Coach Mike Tice was left scratching his head, saying, "Moss simply forgot that he couldn’t go in motion there. Must be the short term memory loss from all of that Chronic." Moss is rumored to be headed to the local Hazleden Clinic in the postseason to clean up his dependency on the "weed with roots in hell."
In the NFC Mouth Division, it looks like the New Orleans Icons own the St. Pete-Clearwater-Tampa Cannonballs. In a tumultuous week following Warren Sapp(ed)’s decleating of Cheesehead OT Chad Clifton, the Cannonballs lose on the road in the Crescent City, 23-20. Apparently Warren was sapped by too much chatter in last week’s win over the Gouda Group. Icons’ Head Coach Jim (Lemon Top) Haslett almost blew the game by going for a 2-point conversion following a 2nd quarter TD with a 6-2 lead. The Icons missed, QB Aaron Brooks (Brothers) injured his throwing arm, and backup QB Jake Delhomme (means "Udaman" in Cajun) had to convert a key 3rd down for the "W". The Big Easy became the Big Hard for Cannonball Coach Jon (Chucky) Gruden, as the Icons swept his Central Florida squad. The Cannonballs go into the ATL next week to face Jack B Nimble and the Dirty Birds, who haven’t lost since October. Organ donations of pelvic bones are expected to rise dramatically in the ATL prior to the game.
A few readers have complained that the Look Man fails to retract comments specifically aimed at teams wearing silver uniforms. In that vein, the Look Man would like to provide a limited correction on his Turkey Day prediction that the Capitol City Genocide Victims would roll the North Texas Cowpokes. In the Look Man’s defense, Genocide Head Coach Steve Inferior blew a sure thing with poor coaching. With a 2nd and 1 in a tight, physical game, the Ole Ball Coach decided to have spring-loaded QB Danny Awful throw for the first down. The incompletion was followed by another incompletion on 3rd and 1, and a predictable 4th down handoff to RB Stephen Davis. Just as predictably, the Pokes stuffed Davis, and then proceeded to run the ball right down the Victims’ throats. In the NFC Least Division, less is more, but clearly Inferior failed to take heed of the Look Man’s last column. As a result the Victims have been eliminated from the playoffs as a "final solution".
By contrast, the Oaktown Oldies pulled out a narrow victory over the Jersey Jets on Monday Night Football. Rich (Loose) Gannon threw for 342, including the 1000th reception to Oldies WR Tim Brown. Brown was previously in the Witness Protection Program in Oakland, but emerged with 9 catches for 99 yards. WR Jerry Rice(a-Roni) capped the win with a TD catch as Jersey QB (Hanging) Chad Pennington could not convert a late game TD. Hanging Chad attempted to fool the Grayders by throwing over the middle when all the Jets receivers went to the sidelines. Grayders Hall of Fame S Rod Woodson gobbled up the pick, and sent the Jets back to Jersey on a turbo prop. At any rate, the win propels Oaktown into a share of the AFC West lead, with the potent San Diego Lightning Bolts up next. The Faders will need to run the table to have a realistic playoff shot, but with the Bolts, Marine Mammals, Donkeys and Chefs coming up, it looks like the Silver & Black may be hearing "Silver Bells" on the road, if they make the playoffs at all. With apologies to John Facenda, the Autumn wind may be a Raider, but the Winter wind is a Patriot.
Bolts Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer went back to Marty Ball as the Bolts rolled the Donkeys in OT. Ladanian (the new LT) Tomlinson lit up Donkeys with 220 rushing yards for the win. Both the Bolts and Donkey kickers missed twice before the sudden death kick, and the Donkeys are now turning back to Brian (Beer Batter) Griese at QB, after Steve Beuerlein (Wall) was unable to tear down a victory.
The AFC West is a tough division, including the last place Kansas City Chefs, who roasted the Phoenix Card-Birds 49-0. Chefs Head Coach ick (no "D") Vermeil regained his first letter, and played "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire" ( the Xmas Song) following the rout. The Card-Birds have issued a warning that there may be a football-like substance in Phoenix, but local fans are not taking the threat seriously.
Over in the NFC West, the St. Louis Coach Mike (K-)Martz loses again, this time in Philly. Despite the return of Mouflons QB Kurt(is Blow) Warner and RB Marshall Faulk, the offense could score only 3 points against an Iggles team with QB AJ (Touchy) Feeley at the helm. Kurtis Blow decided to throw his touchdown to Iggles DB Bobby Taylor instead, who gladly accepted the only 6-pointer of the game. Blow’s QB rating is now returning to Earth after hovering at a supernatural level for most of his tenure. His big game performances have been pedestrian at best, leading the cognoscenti to believe that his MVP treatment is unwarranted. The real team MVP wears number 28.
In the AFC Least, the Bills came due vs. the Marine Mammals. Drew Bledsoe fired several TD passes to overcome 200 plus yards by Mammals RB Ricky Williams. Fish QB Jay Fiedler (on the Roof) returned during Hanukkah after Ray Lucas (McCain) suffered a broken Winchester in the battle. The Dartmouth grad was unable to rally the Fish, who were put on ice in Buffalo. Many compared the beating to the popular Capitol One credit card commercials as the Mammals were rolled in the snow. Drew’s Crew was repeatedly heard yelling, "What’s in yer wallet?!" during the contest.
Zebra of the Week Award, AKA the Johnny Grier Trophy:
The ZOTW award must go to the Blumster in the Nati-B-more game. After going most of the first half with no flags, The Blumster and Crew filled the air with yellow hankies, until players retaliated by busting up the officials. The zebras then got their collective heads out of their butts, and called a decent game. Blum still gets the award for the phantom leveraging call on the late first half FG, which almost caused the Beng to win the game. As it turns out, the missed PAT was the deciding factor, since the Ugly & Black needed 6 instead of 3 for the overtime on a frigid afternoon.
This issue raises the question of why the league is headed for a record number of OT games this year. Penalties are at an all-time high, and the result is games that are closer than they ought to be at crunch time. The threat now looms of reverting to a college OT format versus sudden death. For my money, the knowledge that any mistake could be critical generates excitement that is not seen in the NCAA. The Look Man strongly opposes dual possession format, but would like your input on the topic.
The Look Ahead:
As we head into the playoff stretch run, ground games become much more important during inclement weather. Next week’s matchups include several good battles including:
Titans (7-5) vs Colts (8-4), Bills (6-6) at Patriots (7-5), Falcons (8-3-1) at Bucs (9-2), Chargers (8-4) vs Raiders (7-4), and 49ers (8-4) at Cowboys (5-7). This last matchup is important mainly because Terrell (Sharpie) Owens is at home thinking up new ways to embarrass his team in Irving, following last year’s "Seplosion on the Star". The other matchups will effectively dictate whether any of the AFC squads with 6 losses have a legitimate postseason prayer. The Look Man thinks not, but with the right mix, a certain undeserving Northern Ohio team could climb back into the race.
Out.
LM