The Look Man Report - Week 14: The Season of Giving
In the spirit of the gift-giving season, Week 14 of the NFL was epitomized by generosity. To wit:
- The Stillers’ Tommy (That Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox gave 3 TDs and a "W" to the Houston Slim Shadies,
- The Jacksonville Jags gave Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch and the Cleveland Oranges a Hail Mary TD and a W,
- Referee Walt Coleman (lantern) and crew gave the Cheeseheads a second chance for a win by calling pass interference on an Favre pick, then compounded it by allowing the Pack to punish a defenseless WR who took a knee,
- The Carolina Confederates gave the Hapless Bungals 52 points, 2 kick returns, 1 TD fumble, a safety, and a partridge in a pear tree. And finally,
- A "W" judicial appointee overturned a court ruling that would compel VP (Big) Dick Cheney and the Administration to provide meeting notes from several "energy policy" development meetings. The meeting attendees included energy giant Enron and other energy giants closely linked with key Administration officials. The ruling allows the administration to keep these documents secret, while Big Dick obtains details such as our personal credit card numbers and buying habits for an as yet, undisclosed use (but likely to require prophylactics for US citizens’ protection). The Casa Blanca defended Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham on Tuesday as newly released documents showed he held at least eight private meetings with industry leaders - but none with environmentalists — while the administration crafted its plan, which was really a not-so-cleverly disguised ru$e to line the pockets of former prez Poppa Bush and Big Dick.
Well, maybe that last item had nothing to do with the NFL, but The Look Man couldn’t resist. At any rate, (and speaking of energy) the playoffs are heating up in December.
Most of the nation got to see an uninspiring ATL-Tampa Cannonballs matchup, but one of the best games of the day was the SF Ninnies at Big D. The Cowpokes were stunning the Frisco Seven-Squareds despite QB Chad (Starsky) Hutchinson’s turnovers until CB Derek Ross went down with an injury. Replacement Dwayne Goodrich was unable to contain Terrell (TO) Owens after that, and Coach Dave (Papa Smurf) Campo got into the holiday spirit. With 2:21 to play, and the Starheads facing 4th and a long 1 with a 3 point lead, Papa Smurf chose to go for a 47-yard FG, Pokes’ K Billy Cundiff’s previous struggles and his wet tissue paper defense notwithstanding. As a result, the Niners went Wheel of Fortune, making Vanna White proud by driving to score the necessary TD to TO for the W.
Owner Michael Jackson was uncharacteristically salty following the loss: "The players deserved to win this game. We #$#Q##%$ it up. I’m calling Liz Taylor to see if she can coach next year." The "we" was taken to mean Papa Smurf, who coached like Senator Trent Lott makes speeches. O-coordinator Bruce (*Grogg) Coslet called a decent game, including a naked bootleg for Starsky on a 3rd and short. Starsky showed a lot of speed for a 70’s era detective.
The play of the day, however was a Woody (Toy Story) Dantzler kick return featuring some incredible sideline balance. Toy Story stiff-armed defenders and tight-roped the sideline for a 60-yard TD that made his girlfriend the Ballerina jealous and had the crowd roaring, "To Infinity, and Beyond!" Not too shabby for an ex-QB from Clemson.
The Cleveland Oranges left the orange unis at home as they went on the road to F-Hell-A, where head coach Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis cut his teeth. The Oranges battled the refs as well as the Jags for 59 minutes and 59 seconds before Sofa Boy dealt a 50 yard Hail Mary to Quincy (Klugman) Morgan to end the farce, 21-20. Klugman basically autopsied DB Fernando (Lamas) Bryant to haul in the prayer, but the refs’ whistles were broken from overuse. After a 90 second review by the booth, the game-winning PAT sealed the W for the underDawgs. "It is better to catch good than to look good, and dahling, you catch mahvelous", said Lamas afterwards to Klugman.
The Flinging Futon was ecstatic about the toss and ran off the field with his helmet in his hand prior to the PAT, tempting fate. NFL officials contacted Browns President Carmen (Electra) Policy to indicate that a 15-yard unsportsmanlike penalty will be enforced on the kickoff of next week’s Browns-Ponies game in C-town.
While Klugman and the Slinging Settee got all the credit, the Barking Dawg D really deserved the kudos. MLB Earl (Johnny) Holmes paid tribute to Reds’ Hit King Pete Rose as he punished Jags RB Fred Taylor with several helmet to helmet hits. The oft-injured Taylor left several teeth on the field of play, and earned most of his 140 rushing yards. The Browns rolled up 417 total yards to the Jags 211, and still needed a miracle to win based on Sofa’s 2 picks. You’ve heard of "idiot savant?" Now you have Sofa Savant.
The Browns looked horrible until halftime when they saw the Stillers-Houston score. Hurricane Boy showed Fox highlights of the game at Ketchup Field in which TDDABK threw 2 picks for TDs to Aaron (The Senator) Glenn. The Senator jumped pass routes like he was in the offensive huddle, sprinting past Maddox like Cupid or Prancer. TDDABK also gift wrapped a fumble which ended up in the endzone. In total, Maddox accounted for 21 of the 24 Slim Shady points, as the Blitzburgh D held Houston to 47 offensive yards. Plexiglass Burress & Hines (57) Ward played Donder & Blitzen by dropping a half dozen passes which hit them right in their hooves.
Shady QB David (you can drive my) Carr was bruised and battered but held on for the 4th Houston win, which reduces the Stillers the AFC North lead over Cleveland to a half game. Rumors are swirling about infighting between the Stiller offense and defense over who can blow the most games.
Despite a single digit wind chill at Flam-beau Field in Green Bay Sunday night, Vikes’ players got pretty hot under the collar after Coleman and Crew blew one call after another in a 26-22 Pack comeback. The legend of Brett Favre (Bean) continues, as does his 34-0 record of winning at Flam-beau when the temp is below 34F. Of course, now the stat must include "…and the zebras get paid to cheat…". Vikes TE Jimmy (Juice) Kleinsasser was so angry that he left teeth marks in several Cheesehead players. "I thought those were candy canes", said Juice afterwards. Several Pack players had to be sent to the emergency room where surgeon Richard Dreyfuss was heard to exclaim, "This was no boating accident!" Vikes DT Chris Hovan had to be restrained by Bean’s bodyguards at midfield. Hovan was later pelted with gifts from the Cheesehead faithful, as they unceremoniously offered him their used beer cups and trash in the holiday spirit. The league identified 9 blown calls by Coleman, who achieves superhero status with the new moniker, "the White Lantern." The Look Man proclaims him Zebra of the Week instead.
The day would not have been complete without a contribution by the Hapless Bungals. In the Draft Pick Bowl, the Bungals were clawed by the Confederate Cats 52-36 in a laugher. There was plenty of bad luck in the Battle of 2 Black Cats, including 2 fumbles for TDs, a safety on Corky Dildo, and plenty of Pickna’s pastries fresh out of the oven. Comically, Coach Dick LeBeaunhead chose to start rookie punter Travis (Taxi Driver) Dorsch over the solid Nick Harris. Dorsch responded with line drive rocket punts exceeding 50 yards. Unfortunately, most of the special teamers can only run 35 yards, and the result was WR and shooting guard Steve Smith punching the ball into the endzone - - - twice. Smith is best known for punching out his rookie teammate for requesting to see game film more than once. Felony assault charges are pending, and the Ugly & Black is seeking additional felony charges of grand larceny for the 2 TD returns. Smith is expected to retain Johnnie Cochran as his counsel, with Dick LeBeaunhead as the prosecutor. This case will be open & shut, with Cochran using the Santa Clause defense.
Former Bungals punt returner Peter (P-Dub) Warrick suffered shortness of breath from bruised lungs in the loss. P-Dub’s breathing now matches his arms on passes over the middle. He is questionable for Sunday vs. the Jags, while his partner in crime, Jersey Jets WR Laveraues Coles goes from free agent to Pro Bowler.
Former Bungals Head Coach Sam (Wicky Wacky) Wyche drove up from his home in South Carolina to see his old team play. Wyche, who has damaged vocal chords and cardiomyopathy, was asked his thoughts about the Ugly & Black high water mark prior to the 90’s. "Well, I remember when Jim Baker was the Secretary of State, we had a QB name of Boomer Esiason. We’d throw the ball around a little bit in those days and then go play some tennis, golf, whatever. We had fun. Then the Old Man died, and I tried to obtain more authority from Mikey Boy on day-to-day operations. Next thing you know, I wind up in Tampa Bay with a bunch of guys that couldn’t run a sugar huddle." Wyche is now coaching high school quarterbacks. Apparently the only play he now remembers is the play action post pattern pass that he used to beat the Stillers 5 years in a row.
There were several other blowout matchups including Bills-Chowds, Mouflons-Chefs, and Grayders-Bolts. The Chefs are on a roll but their schedule is brutal with the Raiders, Donkeys and Bolts remaining. At 7-6, they are at the bottom of the AFC West, competing for a playoff spot. The Grayders are looking solid after back-to-back wins over the Donkeys and Bolts, but Tim Brown has disappeared back into the Witness Protection Program following his record setting week. Luckily Rich (Loose) Gannon remains solid, throwing for a league record 10th consecutive 300 yard game. With their remaining games in warm weather, they may not need a ground game to get thru the playoffs.
Looking ahead to next week:
Ponies @ Browns – The Browns are playing "meaningful games in December", a euphemism to avoid the "P-word". Peyton Manning and Browns QB Sofa Boy are good friends and they run the same Bruce Arians offense. Peyton has a bursa sack injury to his knee, but the Browns should really focus on ignoring his pre-snap gyrations, which usually only mean a running play. At 7-6 the Browns need to win out and count on a Blitzburgh loss to win the AFC North. Otherwise, they will be competing with the Chefs, Jets, and about 8 other teams for a wildcard.
Grayders @ Marine Mammals – Grayders run D has improved significantly and they will need it versus Ricky (Rasta) Williams and the Fish. Jay Fiedler (on the roof) and Cris Carter have returned from injury and should provide balance. The Look Man likes the Grayders but home cooking by the zebras has always been bad this time of year near South Beach. Look for some of the Mammals’ team to be wearing black and white uniforms in this one.
Chowds @ Tennessee Flaming Thumbtacks – this one is Boomhauer vs. Brady Bunch on MNF in Nashville for the AFC Home Field advantage. I look for a war between Bellicose and Fisher, 2 defensive wizards who make Lord Valdemort look like Samantha Stevens from Bewitched. Both teams are coming off must-win matchups, with solid defenses. I think the Chowds have more talent, but I like the Titans in this one based on their physical D. No one wants to face either of these teams down the stretch.
The Look Man wishes each of you a happy holiday season with punt returns and running games for all.
Out.