LMR Week 18: Heartbreak by the Lake
The Wild Card Weekend started with a thud as the Jersey Aeronauticals and Atlanta Dirty Birds exposed the Ponies and Pack respectively. In the matchup of Coach of the Year Herm Edwards vs. "Master Po" Tony Dungy, Herm played "Grasshopper" and took the pebble from Tonyís hand, then ripped the hand off, 41-0. Peyton Manning had that Sofa Boy look in his eye as he threw pick after redzone pick in the Meadowlands. Later that same day, Michael (Jack B Nimble) Vick carved the Cheeseheads in Flam-beau with fast feet, elusiveness and a deadly throwing arm. Neither game was noteworthy, except to say that the blowouts allowed both teams to rest up for this weekendís Divisional Playoffs against tougher opponents.
Which brings us to Sundayís Wild Card action. If we call Saturday "Blowout Day", then we have to call Sunday "Comeback Day." Both the Stillers and Niners came roaring back from double-digit deficits to claim victory over defenses that couldnít stop anyone.
Any question about whether Kelly (Tires) Holcomb could replace Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch for the Browns was answered in spades against the Stillers on Sunday. Kelly Tires rolled the Tissue Paper Curtain for 429 passing yards on the anniversary of Chuck Nollís birth, despite having no running game and taking some wicked hits following delivery of pinpoint passes. Browns wideouts Dennis Northcutt and Kevin (KJ) Johnson roasted CB Hank Poteat on each and every double move, until Blitzburgh finally pulled the safety over for help late in the 4th quarter. It was a fitting tribute to the Father of the Modern Passing Gameís passing; Sid Gillman would have been proud of Kellyís outing on Sunday.
Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid) Maddox went Pinball Wizard in the second half after 3 first half interceptions to lead the 36-33 comeback over the Browns. TDDABK was aided by a prevent defense featuring 1 LB and 6 DBs and a zone as soft as virgin wool. He ended up with 337 passing yards and 3 TDs on the day. D-Coordinator Foge (Fake) Fazio fell on his sword by retiring on Monday instead of being fired. D-Line Coach Ray Hamilton had no such luck.
Obviously Browns VP Carmen Policy has mob ties because Foge pulled a Frankie Five-Angels move to save Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davisí pride. Foge opened up his veins in a warm bathtub so that Hurricane Boy could skate despite blowing the calls that would have won the game. HB eschewed the base defense at crunch time in the Iron City, despite Fazioís pleas to the contrary. Now Foge is out, with many of his handpicked free agents from Minnesota close behind him. Ironically, the collapse of the defense was almost identical to the Vikings-ATL NFC Championship game a few years back. Hurricane Boy is said to be pursuing former ëPokes head coach Dave (Papa Smurf) Campo for the D-Coordinator position. Apparently, the Browns need some comic relief during next yearís defensive collapses.
Hurricane Boy made his first comments regarding a possible QB controversy in 2003 by praising Kelly over The Furniture Kid for the first time all year. There will certainly be a QB controversy in C-Town next summer, despite Kelly Temporaries making 10% of what Sofa Boy rakes in. "The best guy has to play," said Davis. "It can't be about contract. It can't be about whether he was a first-round draft pick or a free agent. It's all about performance, not Scotch Guard." If that is the measuring stick, HB will have to evaluate this: Kelly Tires threw 11 TD passes this year. Sofa Boy had 18 in three times as many throws. The burden of proof falls squarely on the 4 legs of the Furniture Kid next year.
There were some obvious bad calls in the game, but a 17-point comeback cannot be attributed to the zebras. What can be safely said is that the 3 holding and 1 personal foul penalty effectively drove the Stillers the length of the field and negated a pivotal sack on TDDABK. Unfortunately, the Browns dropped 2 INTs and one offensive pass to Northcutt that would have ended the threat. Now, it will be a long, cold winter for Browns Backers as we wait for next year.
Speaking of seasonal disorders, the Zebra of the Week Award must go to Ron (Cold, Long) Winter, for the Niners-Jynts game last second flub. Ron and his crew decided that pulling a pass receiver to the ground does not constitute pass interference, and in so doing, snatched a game winning re-kick from the G-Men. Cleveland fans wish he had called the Browns-Chefs game 1. Perhaps he wouldnít have allowed the Chefs to kick the game winner following Ruddís helmet-shot-put. Again, the 24-point comeback was the second largest in history behind the Oilers-Bills in '92. It is kind of difficult to give all of the credit to the refs, but the nature of the blown call actually caused the league to admit culpability for the first time in The Look Man's memory. Next they'll admit an error in the Browns-Jags infamous bottle throwing game of 2001. Nahhhh. The zebras in Flam-beau get honorable mention for the "punt muff" call on ex-Brown Eric Metcalf.
Looking ahead:
Saturday:
The Stillers now head into Nashville to take on the Air McNair and the Flaming Thumbtacks. The Thumbtacks physical defense will be ready for bear against a Stiller team that came roaring back against incredible odds. Historically, of the 6 largest NFL comeback playoff wins, only 2 teams have gone to the championship. Based on that fact, the relative health of McNair and the tissue paper nature of the Stillers defense, I like the Thumbtacks to turn TDDABK back into an insurance salesman in pads. ëTacks win and cover in this one.
The surprising Dirty Birds go into the Vet to face the Iggles and a Donovan McNabbsty in a battle of new style QBs. McNabbsty is coming off a nasty broken ankle, and I look for the Iggles O to struggle against an underrated ATL D. The Iggles have a history of laying eggs this year vs. inferior opponents, and the Dirty Birds are "playing with house money" and have little to lose. That said, the Look Man still likes the Iggles to win, based on defensive speed and toughness. Jack B Nimble will be limited in scrambling, and the Iggles will play in the Vet one last time next week.
Sunday:
In the early game, the Niners face Long John Pewter East in Tampa. Again the comeback will hurt the Ninersí chances, but I believe the Cannonballs cover 2 defense got exposed by the Stillers on MNF. Lynch and Jackson lack speed at safety. The Niners are excellent at the deep ball and have a fabulous TE to run seam routes. Look for the Niners to win and cover in this one, vs. the Bullies from the Bay.
The Aeronauticals meet the Grayders AGAIN on Saturday in Oaktown. There is a lot of bad blood being exchanged in this matchup, as the teams will have met 3 times in 14 months. The Look Man likes the Grayders in a close one, but this could be the best game of the weekend. The teams donít like each other, both have excellent run defense, and special teams will be the difference. Also, Jersey has been in playoff mode for so long, that they are due for a letdown.
Editor's Note:
The Look Man apologizes for the lateness of the report. He was struggling with the end of the Browns season to an inferior opponent. Also, he had some trubb locating the picks for the brand new car. Look for the breakdown in future weeks.
Out.