The Look Man Report 2003 - Week Minus 1 - Rip Van Look Man
So the 2003
NFL Season is about ready for its parturition (Latin for "getting yanked
from the ute"), and the Look Man is looking at the back of his eyelids.
Not just looking, as in, say, 40 winks. The Look Man has been asleep since
shortly after the Oaktown Graybeards got slapped down hard by the Central
Florida Blackbeards in the latest NFL Game of the Century last January. No
joke. Somebody came up from behind the Look Man with a blackjack, and WHACK!
Next thing you know, baseball season is nearly over and The Look Man wakes up
to promos of, - - - Duh, Duh, Duh, Duhhhhhh - - - the New Jersey Aeronauticals
vs. the Capitol City Genocide Victims for a Thursday Night Special 2003 Kickoff
edition on ABC. Worse yet, half of the Jersey stars are wearing Genocide Victim
unis. Doh!
Some of you
out there must be thinking this is all some kind of twisted joke. Truth is, the
Look Man promised some offseason updates in the event of any sporting
epiphanies. Of course, after reading the Multicolored Fish Wrap, and scanning
the Information Superhighway, there are several events that might qualify.
Please help the Look Man get the cobwebs out. Like Fox Mulder used to say,
"The Truth is out there."
First item:
The Bengals hire Marvin (Jerry) Lewis. Are you freaking kidding me? The most
antiquated, outdated, constipated organization in the NFL hires a brother to
lead them to the Promised Land? Further, it seems that the Ugly and Black even
handed the reins to Lewis. President and CEO Mike (Mikey Boy) Brown hasn't even
been seen in months. Hey, whattaminute! Has anyone seen both of these guys at
the same place??!!!!! Could be Mikey Boy is doing an updated version of
"Watermelon Man" starring Mikey Boy as Godfrey Cambridge. Well,
anyone who saw Jerry's picture on the front page of the Enquirer pointing
fingers in opposite directions might have gotten a clue. The real issue is
whether Jerry's Kids can actually ball.
Jerry
proceeded to cut longtime Bungal Fan Favorite PK Neil ( C )rackers. All
Crackers did was turn in a solid 2002 campaign where he hit 80% of his tries,
including a long of 54 yards. Of course Crackers was slated to be paid the
league minimum in his 4th year, thereby gaining a pension. Looks
like Mikey Boy just couldn't stand to let this one alone after all. Not to
mention that with those kinds of stats, he was bound to start getting the team
close to the playoffs, and no one wants that. Except perhaps long-suffering
Bungals Fan Dave Sundin. Sundin was heard to mutter, "That boy was our
last hope" while doing his classic two-handed dismissive wave. Obi-Wan
Kenobi was silent on the topic.
Of course,
Jerry has shown some of his hand already. And we all know that a Man without
Hand is not a Man. Lewis' penchant for speed forced him to cut TE Sean Brewer,
WRs Ron Duggans and Danny Farmer(in the Dell), safeties Lamont Thompson and
JuJuan (Under) Armour. Now the Bungals have no possession receiver and no depth
at DB. Not to mention the fact that TJ (Hooker) Houshmandzadeh will be fumbling
punts left and right again all year. Looks like another season on the Island of
Misfit Toys for the Ugly and Black. Repeat after me: "Hey,
Laaaaaaaaaaadddddddddyyyyyy!!!!"
The Look
Man comes upon another tidbit: Jerry (The King of Pop) Jones hires Duane
Charles Parcells as head coach for the Dallas Cowpokes. For those of you who
didn't know Bill's real name, this might come as quite a shock. The rest of you
are simply thunderstruck. The Tuna in Big D?!!! It kind of reminds you of Tony
Soprano moving to LA or something. You can take the jamoke outta Joizee, but
you can't take the Joizee outta the jamoke ("howudoon?").
So it seems
that Senor Ahi, in his first unofficial move, sees fit to send Emmitt (Catch
22) Smith packing. Apparently, the thought of having anyone who could possibly
oppose his Reign of Terror is too much for the Tuna Melt to bear. He couldn't
exactly have Emmitt bringing him cups of water on the sideline and playing to
get his star back on his helmet. So now, the NFL's leading career rusher is
wearing the incredibly bizarre uniform of the Phoenix Deadbirds. Too horrible
to even contemplate until the Look Man gets a plate of huevos rancheros.
When
questioned about the move, The King of Pop could say only, "Bill kind of reminds
me of Tito with a belly. I haven't been this excited since I dangled my baby
over the rail. Hee hee!" NFL observers were later treated to Catch 22
spouting something about being "a diamond surrounded by trash." Those
who saw his 10-10-220 commercials with Alf beg to differ.
Duane
Charles then names Quincy (Klugman) Carter as starting QB over Chad (Starsky
&) Hutchinson. The rest of the NFC Least is holding their noses due to the
scattological nature of Klugman's arm. In his final pre-season move, The Tuna
releases Woody (Toy Story) Dantzler, the former QB who dazzled the Look Man
with an electrifying 2002 kick return. Nevermore shall we hear Bill (Buzz
Lightyear) Bates utter, "To Infinity, and beyond!" (That and the
clever Pixar references by the Look Man) Now all we have to look forward to are
Tunerisms like,"Winning doesn't feel as good as it used to and losing
feels worse. . . . This is my crack cocaine. I know it's like an assembly line,
okay? And I know that some day the line is going to stop, and that's when
you're J-A-G. Just another guy."
Just when
the Look Man thought it could get no more bizarre, a story about Blitzburgh QB
Kordell (The Crying Man) Stewart appears. It seems The Crying Man takes his
free agent show on the road to the Windy City for the 2003 season. Da Bears
decided to adorn their brand spanking new Soldier Field with a new uniform,
featuring a purple helmet. In addition to being the only team sponsored by a
corporation ("Bank One Presents The Chicago Bears"), da Bears are
thinking about a new concept called the GFL, a gay-only league with
headquarters in San Francisco. Houston, New York, Cincinnati, and Key West are
expected to field teams in the fledging league. No word yet on whether
penalties will be established for the QB spending too much time under center.
Kordell (The Crying Man) Stewart could be a first round draft pick if the 2003
Bears experiment goes badly. Failing that, he will star in Sci-Fi Channel's,
"Sliders II: Lost in Personal Lubricant Land." Former Bears head
coach and icon Iron Mike Ditka was heard to exclaim at the news, "What's
next, Kari Wuhrer at Tight End?!" The Look Man doesn't have to go far to
imagine that scenario.
What would
a LMR be without the obligatory mention of the Cleveland Browns? After a pitched
training camp battle, Coach Butch (Hurricane Boy) Davis selects Kelly ('s
Temporaries) Holcomb over incumbent Tim (Sofa Boy) Couch. Who knew KT, who will
make $825K, could displace Sofa Boy at a robust $6.25M? Well, besides anyone
who read this column last season. KT threw for a well chronicled 429 yards
against the Tissue Curtain defense in the Wild Card game last year, only to
suffer when the Browns' D couldn't stop Tommy (That Deaf Dumb and Blind Kid)
Maddox from snatching a victory from the jaws of defeat. Bill (Iron Chin)
Cowher was so happy he forgot to shake Hurricane Boy's hand afterwards. The
football gods got the last laugh though, when the Flaming Thumbtacks kicker
booted them to victory the following week after an interesting roughing the kicker
call.
The Browns
had a fire sale and sent D-Coordinator Foge Fazio and all 3 starting LBs to
other teams, including Dwayne (Busta Rhymes with) Rudd to the Pricey Corn
Kings. Busta Rhymes With will now take his act to Central Florida, where he can
challenge the helmet toss record of former Saints OT Kyle Turley. HB plans to
rebuild with speed and inexperience, a deadly combo. "Last year our guys
had a walk in the cake. This year things are going to be different. We are NOT
going to make the playoffs, for one thing," says HB.
Many were
surprised that HB sent Sofa Boy to the bench for a retooling of his upholstery,
but this corner believes the Lachrymose Lobber will see the field again in
2003. Any competent QB can throw for 3 bills a week with these wideouts. Not
that Sofa Boy is competent; he stinks like the perch in the back seat of a
Grumpy Old Men movie. Unfortunately, Holcomb has a penchant for hanging in the
pocket and getting drilled. With LT Ross (Transitive) Verba out for the season
with a torn bicep, KT will get drilled more than a bad molar, and lose his job
to the Furniture Kid within 6 weeks. They don\0xD5t call him KT for nothing.
There are
more wacky stories, but we digress. In what has become a standard, the Look Man
is asking you, the reader, to forecast your NFL 2003 division winners, wild
cards, conference and Super Bowl champs. One entry per customer, please, and
try to keep your collective eyes on the oblique spheroid this time. The winner
of this contest will receive, "Tell him what he'll win, Jim! A BRAND NEW
CAR!" (unless it's the Look Man, who will win a date with Kari Wuhrer) Or
maybe just some great Gillette products. At any rate, please send your NFL
picks for the season to the Look Man care of this email address. We'll figure
out the rules later, but be certain that the final selection will be somewhat
arbitrary, especially if any of you knuckleheads pick the Ugly and Black to win
more than 5. Then it will just get ugly. If they win that many, Jerry Lewis
will unseat 2002 Coach of the Year Andy (The Walrus II) Reid in 2003.
Of course,
there will be other features this year. The Look Man is thinking NFL trivia
contests, surprise reader quotes, and of course, the obligatory Zebra of the
Week award. Stay tuned to this channel for details, including the new website
on which the Look Man Report will appear. Tune your Internet dial to http://www.lookmanreport.com
for future editions. The site is still under construction, but does include
several of last year's favorites. We promise to keep it rayal out there for the
loyal fans. After all, Truth is stranger than fiction.
What's
next? Kobe in prison for rape? Ahnuld running for Governor? Dubya finding
Weapons of Mass Destruction? The Look Man doesn't know the answers, but he is
feeling kind of drowsy again...